Came back with a vengance

Everything hurts
My heart
My chest
My breath
How do I tell them I don't know
Why I shut in
Can't open up
I don't even want to live
And I'm supposed to work to be happy
But it's hard
And I'm scared
I can't remember the last time
I didn't want to cry
And I'm just holding on
To things I romanticize
And if I'm going to destroy myself
Then, by god, the razor can do it first

And you
It hurts to say this
But please stay away
You're going to make me break
Again
Why did you do this
It was never a game to me
And I'm not mad
And I want to be your friend
I think
But I don't know what I want anymore
And I think it's your fault

But it's mine
I know that
I still want to drive away
And hope to look back
With someone close behind

Coldplay- The Scientist

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh, take me back to the start

Oh, I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh, and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start

Can't even think of a title for this

I want to breathe

Cause I haven’t done that in a while

And it’s all building up

Inside of me

I want to leave

But I can’t though

Cause I know

There’s no road

That leads to anywhere I want to go

You can blame what you want

But I still don’t know what’s real

And what’s not

Blame it on that I suppose

Whatever makes you feel at home

Cause that’s what it’s all about

Never mind being shut out

Justify how you wish

What you wish whenever you wish it

I wish I could wish too

But my time is long overdue

I think it ran out when I saw the tube

Down your throat covered in blood

And the other one that stole your dignity away

The one time I remember I didn’t pray

Cause I couldn’t think of anything to say

That feeling has stayed

Before and after you passed away

And I’m so afraid

And I can’t explain

To anyone but ink and paper

I guess it feels safer

But it also feels lonlier

Sara Bareilles- Gravity

Something always brings me back to you, it never takes too long
No matter what I say or do, I'll still feel you here until the moment I'm gone
You hold me without touch, you keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

Set me free, leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

Oh, you loved me cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone

Set me free, leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need here on the ground
But you're neither friend not foe, though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

You're keeping me down, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
You're on to me, on to me, and all over
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long

Michael Buble- Feeling Good

Birds flying high, you know how I feel
Sun in the sky, you know how I feel
Breeze drifting on by, you know I feel
It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me
And I'm feeling good, I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea, you know how I feel
River running free, you know how I feel
Blossom on a tree, you know how I feel
It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me
And I'm feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun, you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all having fun, you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when the day is done, that's what I mean
And this old world is a new world, and a bold world, for me
For me

Stars when you shine, you know how I feel
Scent of the pine, you know how I feel
Oh, freedom is mine, you know how I feel
It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life
It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life
It's a new life for me
And I'm feeling good

I'm feeling good
I feel so good
I feel so good

Michael Buble- Haven't Met You Yet

I'm not surprised, not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up then I let myself down

I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought I thought of every possibility

And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid, that'll I'll give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing
And baby, your love is going to change me
And now I can see every possibility

Somehow I know that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And promise you kid, I'll give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

They say all's fair in love and war
But I won't need to fight it
We'll get it right and we'll be united

And I know that we can be so amazing
And being in your life is going to change me
And now I can see every single possibility

And someday I know that it'll all turn out
And I'll work to work it out
Promise you kid, I'll give more than I get, than I get, than I get

Oh, you know it'll all turn out
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And promise you, kid, to give so much more than I get, yeah
I just haven't met you yet

I just haven't met you yet
Oh, promise you, kid, to give so much more than I get
I said love love love love love love love
I just haven't met you yet
Yeah, I just haven't met you yet

Dream I Had Last Night #3

We were dancing, his lead, across a dark floor illuminated by a single light. He was busy with the movements, making sure we stepped to the beat. I was busy with the words, memorizing the song I already knew by heart. He whispered in my ear,
"This may be the last song we ever hear. I can't remember the last time I heard music that wasn't from the tinker's old ukulele that's missing two strings."
I laughed, and he spun me, then pulled me back into his arms.
'This isn't real.' I mouthed to him, suddenly aware.
"I know. But what would it be like if it was."
'It can't ever be.'
He fell to the floor, hitting his head on the table nearby.
"Holy crap, are you okay?" I rushed to his side, feeling his head for forming bumps.
"You're not mute." He said, not a question.
"No, I suppose I never really was. I wished I was though."
"Sometimes you need to talk."
"Sometimes I feel like I have nothing worth saying."
"Most people don't, but they talk anyway."
"I don't like most people. I liked you."
"You like your brother. I see you with him, on your wall. The friends who made you want to talk."
"I left them."
"Why."
"I felt like I'd find others who have never seen me fail."
"No one is ever going to be oblivious to your failure."
"I was oblivious to yours. You fail to be real."
"You fail to let me be."

Dream I Had Last Night #2

"Just go talk to her, Christ, it's not that hard." That girl with the long dark hair whisper-shouted to the boy, maybe thinking I couldn't hear them "You guys have been hanging out for weeks, why are you still afraid to say hi?'
I liked her, she was upfront, honest, the few times I've met her. Loud spoken, maybe a bit too much, but a welcome change from the soft spoken and scared few that were the backbone of the revolution, those I worked with. I suppose she has known the boy for a long time, I would assume they were something special together if I wasn't the one who fashioned the lights for her altar at her wedding a few months ago.That's how it is down here, married young to get the experience of love without ever breeding, it'd be cruel to bring a child into this world. And besides, no one needs a parasite in their womb when they're discussing battle plans at all hours of the night.
"Okay, okay, just shut up and come with me." He whispered back, speed-walking over to me while never breaking eye contact with the floor, the girl attached to his arm. I stared intently at the circuit board in my hands and picked up my tweezers to connect another wire, pretending I didn't notice them fast approaching.
"Hi!" The girl shoved the boy into the chair across from mine and took a half seat on the table, tilting it. I nodded my head at her and smiled at the boy. He was looking at the table, occasionally taking a break to look at the girl for courage then shifting his gaze to me. The girl looked at him expectantly, then looked at me. I directed my attention back to my work, obvious as it was that nothing real was going to be said anytime soon. Before I finished with the circuit, the girl blurted,
"Well! I have to go out to the greenhouse for rosemary, I have the voucher for it right here. Oh, gosh and darn it, look at the time. I have to go see the hubby about our rank. I know, you can go get it for me, and take girly with you, or else you'll get lost. You don't mind going, do you?"
She touched me shoulder and gave me a huge smile. I shook my head no and signed,
'I'd be happy to.'
"I knew I liked you. Alrighty, you guys better get a move on." She stood and pulled the boy to his feet. He held out his arm for me to take, which I did and we began to walk to the greenhouse as the girl skipped away, laughing to herself.
"So, um..." He started to talk, turning to me to make sure I could read his lips "Have you ever been to the greenhouse?"
'Yes, all the colors and scents of the plants is quite the ambush of the senses. I enjoy it.'
"Me too."
We turned the corner and the greenhouse doors were in view at the end of the hallway.
'How did you end up becoming a doctor?'
"I apprenticed at a young age, bit of a prodigy I suppose. Never found a better use of my talent than the opportunity to join a revolution."
'I couldn't agree more.'
"Says the young electrician."
'My father taught me. Never had a knack for it, but I like the work and you can do whatever you want if you work hard enough. Leaving the States was the best decision I ever made.'
"America? You don't seem like an American to me."
'Yes, well, you can't hear the accent.'

"That's true."
'I have to go finish my circuit board.' I signed, letting go of his arm and backed away a few steps 'I'll see you later.'
"What about the rosemary?" He asked/signed, disappointment clouding his features.
'There will be other times for rosemary.'

Book Of Life- I Love You Too Much

I love you too much to live without you loving me back
I love you too much, Heaven's my witness and this is a fact
I know I belong when I sing this song
There's love above love and it's ours cause I love you too much

I live for your touch, I whisper your name night after night
I love you too much, there's only one feeling and I know it's right
I know I belong when I sing this song
There's love above love and it's ours cause I love you too much

Heaven knows your name, I've been praying
To have you come here by my side
Without you, a part of me is missing
To make you my home I will fight

I know I belong when I sing this song
There's love above love and it's ours cause I love you too much

I love you too much, I love you too much
Heaven's my witness and this is a fact
You live in my soul, your heart is my goal

There's love above love and it's mine cause I love you
There's love above love and it's yours cause I love you
There's love above love and it's ours if you love me
As much

Us The Duo- No Matter Where You Are

I will stay by you, even when we fall
I will be the rock that holds you up and lifts you high so you stand tall
I won't let you go, no one can take your place
A couple fights and lonely nights don't make it right to let it go to waste

I won't let you fall, I won't let you go
No matter where you are, no matter where you are I'll be there
No matter where you are, no matter where you are
I'll be there

I will hold on to everything we've got
A quitter, a regretter, and forgetter is everything I'm not
I'll take care of you, and love you just because
You and I are better than forever, nothing can stop us

I won't let you fall, I won't let you go
No matter where you are, no matter where you are I'll be there
No matter where you are, no matter where you are
I'll be there

We can be the generation who learns how to love
Mistakes and empty promises will never be enough
To tear apart the giants hearts that beat inside us now
Let's conquer the percentages and rise above the crowd

I won't let you fall, I eon't let you go
No matter where you are, no matter where you are I'll be there
No matter where you are, no matter where you are I'll be there
No matter where you are, no matter where you are I'll be there

I'll be there
I'll be there!

Dream I Had Last Night #1

He lifted my chin with the rifle of his gun and looked me in the eyes. "And how old are you anyway? Too damn young to be in a revolution. But not that young, huh?" He licked his lips and chuckled "So how old are you?' I kept my stare and narrowed my eyes. After a few seconds of silence he lost patience and pointed the gun at my chest. "Think it's funny to edge a guy on? Leaning up against this wall making your cow eyes while I walk around the room but you little girls never want to put out. You and your little friends are all going to hell and I'll be happy to send you there." I looked to the side. "Little bitch."
The man adjusted his cap and walked back to his troop. They left quickly, and the disgusting one took one last glance at me before walking out the door and closing it behind him. I let go of the breath I was holding in a loud exhale. I watched the door in case it swung open again to let in another group of sleazebags. My gaze dropped to the nearest table, where the boy sitting at it caught my eye.
He smiled at me and I looked away, when I looked back he was watching me out of the corner of his eye. He was good looking enough, with kind eyes and short, curly black hair. I relaxed against the wall with my arms crossed and he got up to talk to me.
"You okay? Those guys are not to be messed with." He tilted his head. I looked at him, confused. I shrugged and shook my head.
"It seems like I've seen you around more than other people. You a doctor too?"
I shook my head again, and held my hand out, palm up, and made a screwdriver motion with my other one.
"Not a doctor. Not a speaker, either?'
'Mute' I signed.
'Why didn't you say so' He signed back. "Learned sign language when I was little."
'So did I' He laughed 'I'm an electrician.'
"I thought only engineers with degrees were allowed to be electricians. You look barely seventeen."
'Says the- what- twenty year old doctor?'
"Eighteen"
'I was close.'
"Yes, close enough,"
"Back to work everybody! Inspection over!" The grungy overseer shouted over the lounge room.
"I guess I'll see you later."
I shrugged and walked back to my station. When I looked back over my shoulder, he was still by the wall, watching me with a small smile.
**

Pulled- The Addams Family Musical

I don't have a sunny disposition, I'm not known for being too amused
My demeanor's locked in one position, see my face? I'm enthused
Suddenly, however, I've been puzzled, bunny rabbits make me want to cry
All my inhibitions have been muzzled, and I think I know why

I'm being pulled in a new direction
But I think I like it, I think I like it
I'm being pulled in a new direction
Through my painful pursuit, somehow birdies took root
All the things I detested impossibly cute
God! What do I do?

Mother always said be kind to strangers
But she doesn't know what they destroy
I can feel the clear and present dangers
When she learns that the boy

Has got me pulled in a new direction
But I think I like it, I think I like it
I'm being pulled in a new direction
But this feeling, I know, is impossible
So I'll confide that I've tried but I can't let it go
It's disgustingly true
Pulled, pulled, pulled!

Puppy dogs with droopy faces, unicorns with dancing mice
Sunrise in wide open spaces, Disney World- I'll go there twice!
Butterflies and picnic lunches, bunches of chrysanthemums
Lollipops and pillow fights and Christmas eve, sugar plums!
String quartets and Chia pets and afternoon banana splits
Angels watching as I sleep and Liberace's Greatest Hits

Have got me pulled in a new direction
If they keep insisting, I'll stop resisting
Just watch me pulled in a new direction
I should stay in the dark, not obey every spark
But the boy has a bite, better far than his bark
And you bet I'll bite too, do what's truly taboo
As I'm pulled in a new direction

No Longer Interested

There's a lot of stuff in life you have to look at and go
God, not interested, so not interested
Manipulating me, using me, neglecting and abusing me
Not interested, so not interested

Treat me like trash and throw me away
God, not interested, so not interested
Make up a dumb little game and think I want to play
Not interested, so not interested

Make no mistake I enjoy a lot of things
But cross a line I won't deny those things become mundane
I can live without them and I can live without you
I'm finding myself happier in the absence of a crew

I'm sick of all these stupid emotions I'm supposed to feel
I'm a Wednesday at the core, any other character is a bore
I'm so fucking sick of all this shit
Once I can leave, I'm fucking gone, fucking done, that's fucking it

I have about five more plans I have to carry out
But after that, I'm leaving, that's all I care about

Bleah

I'm too stressed about grades to be stressed about anything else.
I long for the day when I can go chill at Hendrix and have a drink without an issue. I can wait a month.
I don't feel like I'm going to be happy alive so why am I bothering.
It's not even like, talk me out of it, it's like, this is what I want and I'm coming to terms with it.
Why was it ever considered bad in the first place.
I'm just trying to be happy.

I don't feel good

My friend kept telling me he was going to kill himself or hurt himself if I didn't talk him out of it. So I said he needed to stop and get professional help. And it's been manipulative and God, I can't do this anymore. So on Monday we have to have a conference. I know his parents. They like me. They make me feel super awkward, granted, but God, I can't. I can't, I can't. Okay. I just. I feel bad but I kind of feel like this is necessary. If he reaches out to me over the weekend I'll know I did the right thing because I told him not to text me.

Try #3 for Closure

I remember the days, when it felt like just you and me

And when all that I wanted was your company

I remember the day we fell asleep on that couch

The best sleep I’d had in a long time, even you slept somehow

It’s funny, don’t you think, how we got here

Just one night of discontent, now thousands of tears

I think, no, I know, I’ve grown stronger now

Strong enough to resist you though, I doubt

But I can live off these memories, what great wonders they do me

Happy as can be, sadder than I could ever be in centuries

I feel I have to fight to retain emotions each night

But in the day, it goes away, when I see your face

I remember that night, do you remember it too?

The day I put down the blade, cause it meant losing you

God, I pray you’re happy now, and happy you’ll always be

Even if it’s not with me

Even if you’re not with me

The Little Mermaid- Kiss the Girl

There you see her, sitting there across the way
She don't got a lot to say but there's something about her
And you don't know why, but you're dying to try
You wanna kiss the girl

Yes, you want her, look at her, you know you do
It's possible she wants you too, there is one way to ask her
It don't take a word, not a single word
Go on and kiss the girl

Sing with me now, sha-la-la-la-la
My, oh my, look at the boy too shy
He ain't gonna kiss the girl
Sha-la-la-la-la, ain't that sad
Ain't it a shame, too bad
You gonna miss the girl

Now's your moment, floating in a blue lagoon
Boy, you better do it soon, no time will be better
She don't say a word, and she won't say a word
Until you kiss the girl!

Sha-la-la-la-la don't be scared
You got the moves prepared
Go on and kiss the girl!
Sha-la-la-la-la don't stop now
Don't try to hide it how
You wanna kiss the girl

Sha-la-la-la-la float along
Listen to the song
The song say, kiss the girl
Sha-la-la-la-la music play
Do what the music say
You wanna kiss the girl

You've got to kiss the girl
Why don't you kiss the girl
You gotta kiss the girl
Go on and kiss the girl

Hey Guys,

Just finishing my projects and such and I don't know...
Everyone has picked someone up when they can barely hold themselves before and it's really impressive. I admire it a lot.
I kind of want to pull a Margo Roth Spiegelman and just disappear. I've reached a point where I'm really content by myself and when I'm interested in talking with others I prefer fun strangers rather than people I already know. I guess I'm ready for college. When I get my car I feel like I'm really going to be antisocial. I won't need other people for rides and I think I'll just be done. Drive by the lake alone and take a nap in my car. Maybe throw my phone into the lake.

Makes me happy

I'm kind of starting to feel desirable again...

Adele- Cold Shoulder

You say it's all in my head
And the things I say just don't make sense
So where you been? Don't go all coy
Don't turn it around on me like it's my fault
See, I can see that look in your eyes
The one that shoots me each and every time

You grace me with your cold shoulder
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her
You shower me with words make of knives
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her

These days when I see you
You make it look like I'm see-through
Do tell me why you waste our time
When your heart ain't admitting you're not satisfied
You know I know just how you feel
I'm starting to find myself feeling that way too

When you grace me with your cold shoulder
Whenever you look at me I was her
You shower me with words make of knives
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her

Time and time again I play the role of a fool just for you
Even in the daylight when you think that I don't see you
Try to look for things I hear but our eyes never find
Though I do know how you play

You grace me with your cold shoulder
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her
You shower me with words made of knives
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her

You grace me with your cold shoulder
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her
You shower me with words made of knives
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her

Chicago the Musical- All That Jazz

Come on, babe why don't we paint the town
And all that jazz
I'm gonna rouge my knees and roll my stockings down
And all that jazz

Start the car, I know a whoopee spot
Where the gin is cold but the piano's hot!
It's just a noisy hall where there's a nightly brawl
And all that jazz

And all that jazz, and all that jazz

Slick your hair and wear your buckle shoes
And all that jazz
I hear that Father Dip is gonna blow the blues
And all that jazz

Hold on, hon, we're gonna bunny hug
I bought some aspirin down at United Drug
In case you shake apart and want a brand new start
To do that jazz!

Find a flask we're playing fast and loose
And all that jazz
Right up here is where I store the juice
And all that jazz

Come on babe, we're gonna brush the sky
I betcha Lucky Lindy never flew so high
Cause in the stratosphere how could he lend an ear
To all that jazz?

Oh you're gonna see your Sheba shimmy shake
And all that jazz
Oh, she's gonna shimmy till her garters break
And all that jazz

Show her where to park her girdle
Oh, her mother's blood would curdle
If she'd hear her baby queer
For all that jazz

All that jazz

Come on, babe, why don't we paint the town?
And all that jazz
I'm gonna rouge my knees and roll my stockings down
And all that jazz

Start the car, I know a whoopee spot
Where the gin is cold but the piano's hot!
It's just a noisy hall where there's a nightly brawl
And all that jazz

No, I'm no one's wife
But, oh, I love my life
And all that jazz
That jazz!!

Adele- Make You Feel My Love

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I can offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I will never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing like me yet

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love

To make you feel my love

Andrew Bird- Tenuousness

Tenuous at best was all he had to say
When pressed about the rest of it, the world that is
From proto-Sanskrit Minoans to Proto-centric Lisboans
Greek Cypriots and harbor sorts who hang around in ports a lot

Here's when things start getting weird
While chinless men will scratch their beards
And to their minds a sharpened axe
Is brushed upon the Uralic syntaxes

Love of hate acts as an axis
Love of hate acts as an axis
First it wanes and then it waxes
So procreate and pay your taxes

Tenuousness, less seven comes to three
Them, you, us plus eleven
Thank the heavens for their elasticity
And as those who live and die for astronomy

When coprophagia was writ
Know when to stand or when to sit
Can't stand to stand, can't stand to sit
And who would want to know this?

Who wants to look upon this?
Who wants to look upon this, pray tell?
Who wants to look upon this?
Who wants to look upon this, pray tell, pray tell

Tenuousness, less seven comes to three
Them, you, us plus eleven comes just shy of infinity
And as for those who live and die from numerology

Ed Sheeran- All of the Stars

It's just another night and I'm staring at the moon
I saw a shooting star and thought of you
I sang a lullaby by the waterside and knew
If you were here, I'd sing to you

You're on the other side as the skyline splits in two
I'm miles away from seeing you
But I can see the stars from America
I wonder, do you see them too?

So open your eyes and see the way our horizons meet
And all of the lights will lead into the night with me
And I know these scars will bleed but both of our hearts believe
All of theses stars will guide us home

I can hear your heartbeat on the radio beat
They're playing "Chasing Cars" and I thought of us
Back to the time you were laying next to me
I looked across and fell in love

So I took your hand back through lamp-lit streets and knew
Everything led back to you
So can you see the stars over Amsterdam?
You're the song my heart is beating to

So open your eyes and see the way our horizons meet
And all of the lights will lead into the night with me
But I know these scars will bleed but both of our hearts believe

And, oh, I know
And, oh, I know, oh
I can see the stars
From America

Eso Si Que Es

Anyone know how good it feels to just live for the moment and be happy and have no worries?

Yeah, me neither

Patrick McHale and Jack Jones- Into the Unknown

Led through the mist
By the milk-light of moon
All that was lost is revealed
Our long bygone burdens, mere echoes of the spring
But where have we come, and where shall we end?
If dreams can't come true, then why not pretend?
Oh, how the gentle wind
Beckons through the leaves
As autumn colors fall

Dancing in a swirl
Of golden memories
The loveliest lies of all

The loveliest lies of all

The struggle is real

I want a human pillow so badly right now and also a masseuse. But I think getting one will lead to more struggle than just going without

We are all French Today

The pain we all feel at this dreadful loss reminds me, reminds us, that while we may come from different places and speak in different tongues, our hearts beat as one.

-Dumbledore

Sara Bareilles- Love Song

Head under water and they tell me to breathe easy for a while
The breathing gets harder, even I know that
Made room for me but it's too soon to see if I'm happy in your hands
I'm unusually hard to hold on to

Blank stares at blank pages
No easy way to say this
You mean well, but you make this hard on me

I'm not gonna write you a love song 'cause you asked for one
'Cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song 'cause you tell me it's make or break in this
If you're on your way, I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving, I'ma need a better reason to write you a love song today, today

I learned the hard way that they all say things you wanna hear
And my heavy heart sinks deep down under
You and your twisted words, your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were, hello, to high and dry

Convinced me to please you
Made me think that I need this too
I'm trying to let you hear me as I am

I'm not gonna write you a love song 'cause you asked for one
'Cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song 'cause you tell me it's make or break in this
If you're on your way, I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving I'ma need a better reason to write you a love song today

Promise me that you'll leave the light on
To help me see with daylight, my guide, gone
'Cause I believe there's a way you can love me
Because I say

I won't write you a love song 'cause you asked for it
'Cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you tell me it's make or break in this

Is that why you wanted a love song? 'Cause you asked for it?
'Cause you need one? You see,
I'm not gonna write you a love song 'cause you tell me it's make or break in this
If you're on your way, I'm not gonna write you to stay
If your heart is nowhere in it, I don't want it for a minute
Babe, I'll walk the seven seas when I believe that there's a reason
To write you a love song today
Today

James Morrison- You Give Me Something

You only stay with me in the morning
You only hold me when I sleep
I was meant to tread the water
But now I've gotten in too deep

For every piece of me that wants you
Another piece backs away

You give me something
That makes me scared all right
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try
Please give me something
Because someday I might know my heart

You only waited up for hours
Just to spend a little time alone with me
And I can say I've never bought you flowers
I can't work out what they mean

I never though that I'd love someone
That was someone else's dream

You give me something
That makes me scared all right
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try
Please give me something
Because someday I might call you from my heart

But it might be a second too late
And the words that I could never say
Are gonna come out anyway

You give me something
That makes me scared all right
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try
Please give me something

You give me something
That makes me scared all right
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try
Please give me something
Because someday I might know my heart

Know my heart, know my heart, know my heart

Ellie Goulding- Aftertaste

Hold me like nobody else does, do I get the best of your love?
Even when our bodies are drunk, is it me you're stumbling from?
Forget the words that you said, with your fingers spell out my name
Take away the sky in our breath, remember love is a game, love is a game

Don't break, don't fade
While we're not real, we're never too late
Make time, it won't hurt
Said I'll go now, but you said it first

I know there's nothing that I can do to make you stay
But one thing I know that will always remain
And that's the aftertaste, the aftertaste
The aftertaste, the aftertaste, the aftertaste

In the midst I'm seeing your face, and I can't believe this is fake
Blow the blossom into your room, as you throw me in disarray
There's a button that I need to press, there's a face that I need to kiss
Come on, give me your heart and your head, make you conscious never resist, never resist

Don't break, don't fade
While we're not real, we're never too late
Make time, it won't hurt
Said I'll go now, but you said it first

I know there's nothing that I can do to make you stay
But one thing I know that will always remain
And that's the aftertaste, the aftertaste
The aftertaste, the aftertaste, the aftertaste

I know there's nothing that I can do to make you stay
But one thing I know that will always remain
And that's the aftertaste, the aftertaste
The aftertaste, the aftertaste, the aftertaste
The aftertaste, the aftertaste, the aftertaste
The aftertaste

To Love Someone

An active noun-like struggle. To strive to accept them for who they are here and now.
And because I am weak, and I can't do this any more
I need to really move on, and stop this
So I will try harder

Note to Me

Britney Spears- Toxic

Baby, can't you see, I'm calling
A guy like you should wear a warning
It's dangerous, I'm falling

There's no escape, I can't wait
I need a hit, I need a hit
Baby, give me it, you're dangerous
I'm loving it

Too high, can't come down
Losing my head
Spinning round and round
Do you feel me now?

Oh, the taste of your lips
I'm on a ride
You're toxic and I'm slipping under
With a taste of poison paradise

I'm addicted to you, don't you know that you're toxic?
And I love what you do, don't you know that you're toxic?

It's getting late to give you up
I took a sip from my devil's cup
Slowly, it's taking over me

Too high, can't come down
Losing my head
Spinning round and round
Do you feel me now?

With the taste of your lips
I'm on a ride
You're toxic and I'm slipping under
With a taste of poison paradise

I'm addicted to you, don't you know that you're toxic?
And I love what you do, don't you know that you're toxic?

With a taste of your lips, I'm on a ride
You're toxic, I'm slipping under
With a taste of a poison paradise
I'm addicted to you, don't you know that you're toxic?

With a taste of your lips, I'm on a ride
You're toxic, I'm slipping under
With a taste of a poison paradise
I'm addicted to you, don't you know that you're toxic?

Intoxicate me now, with your loving now
I think I'm ready now, I think I'm ready now
Intoxicate me now, with your loving now
I think I'm ready now

Adele- Hello

Hello, it's me
I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet
To go over everything
They say time's supposed to heal you
But I ain't done much healing

Hello, can you hear me?
I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be
When we were younger
And free
I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet

There's such a difference between us
A million miles

Hello from the other side
I must've called a thousand times
To tell you I'm sorry, for everything that I've done
But when I call you never seem to be home
Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I tried
To tell you I'm sorry, for breaking your heart
But I doesn't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore

Hello, how are you?
It's so typical of me to talk about myself, I'm sorry
I hope that you're well
Did you ever make it out of that town where nothing ever happened?

It's no secret
That the both of us are running out of time

So hello from the other side
I must've called a thousand times
To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done
But when I call you never seem to be home
Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I tried
To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart
But it doesn't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore

Oh, anymore...

Hello from the other side
I must've called a thousand times
To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done
But when I call you never seem to be home
Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I tried
To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart
But it doesn't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore

Ed Sheeran- Photograph

Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes
But it's the only thing that I know
When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes
It is the only thing that makes us feel alive

C: We keep this love in a photograph
We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Our hearts were never broken
And time's forever frozen, still
So you can keep me
Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans
Holding me close until our eyes meet
You won't ever be alone, wait for me to come home

Loving can heal, loving can mend your soul
And it's the only thing that I know
I swear it will get easier, remember that with every piece of you
And it's the only thing we take with us when we die

C

If you hurt me, that's okay baby
Only words bleed, inside these pages you just hold me
And I won't ever let you go
Wait for me to come home, wait for me to come home
Wait for me to come home, wait for me to come home

You can fit me inside the necklace you bought when you were sixteen
Next to your heartbeat where I should be, keep it deep within your soul
And if you hurt me, well, that's okay baby, only words bleed
Inside these pages you just hold me, and I won't ever let you go

When I'm away, I will remember how you kissed me
Under the lamppost back on Sixth street
Hearing you whisper through the phone
Wait for me to come home

I wanted three things

1. I wanted to look into your eyes and kiss you. I was so adamant about applying your makeup so I could look into your eyes and smile without you asking why. I knew I could't kiss you, we can't do this like we did last time
2. I wanted self control. So I gave it to myself by insisting on applying my makeup though I wouldn't have minded going with just a broken porcelain face, because I knew I needed the extra punishment of smudging my makeup if I got too tempted
3. I wanted some kind of promise that no matter what happened we would still talk, still exist together somehow. I didn't get that. I guess I'm not gonna know why. If we can't be friends how are we supposed to be anything else?
I guess I'm glad I got my self control in order.

How and why

How would you feel if someone said, "text me at 9:30 to make sure I'm still alive"
How would you feel if someone told you, "You are the only one in my life I can trust" after saying that you're the reason why they didn't kill themselves
It kinda sucks when you're supposed to take care of others when you can barely handle yourself.
When that person thinks you're closer than you actually are
I'm so tired

I can't I can't I'm too scared

It's happening again and I can't, I can't talk somebody out of suicide I can't put the knife down I can't make them put the knife down what if I say something wrong God why is this happening why is there suicide and death all the time everywhere all the time and I need, something, what I don't know. Where does he live, I can't deal with this but if I don't he'll die and it'll be my fault I can't tell anyone and I can't talk to anyone God can someone please read this and tell me what to do because I don't know and I'm scared and I want somebody please God don't let anybody die tonight please please please don't let it be me

I Am The School Of Hard Knocks

God Fucking Damnit
These people are freaking ridiculous.
Jesus Fucking Christ if I throw myself as many pity parties as they do no wonder I want to slit my wrists all the damn time
Why is the simple fact so hard to understand
It doesn't fucking end here. "I'll never find love again" Shut the fuck up. This is literally the text I just sent someone:
"You're just throwing yourself these pity parties and just, God. Enough. You're not fucking helpless. If you don't like something about yourself, change it. You're not even trying to be happy cause you're so damn set on thinking that there's this one thing that'll make you happy, some girl that fucking cheated on you three days after she got another option. Maybe you were a bad boyfriend I don't fucking know, it doesn't fucking matter. You were probably a bad boyfriend partly because you don't love yourself, which, surprise surprise, means you don't even know what real love is, which would explain a lot because you couldn't hurt someone so bad if you truly loved them.  I'm a completely objective third party and she fucked up man. And she's fucking you up too. Maybe you think you deserve it because you fucked her up, but, news flash, people fuck each other up, it happens, stop dwelling on it and move the fuck on, cause even if you guys are a match made in the stars, her getting back together with someone ho doesn't love himself and literally thinks he's gonna die without her isn't gonna do either of you any good. Jesus."

Oh, and also, I feel like I've been wanting a Kristoff and I thought I had to be Anna to get it but I'll be damned if I can't have my cake and eat it too, cause I'm kind of fucking proud of what I just wrote and Anna couldn't spit that shit out.

Idina Menzel- Making Today A Perfect Day

We're making today a perfect day for you
We're making today a smiley face all shiny and new
Kristoff: There's a fine line between chaos
Olaf: And the hullabaloo!
So we're making today a perfect day
Making today a perfect day
A! N! N! A!
Making today a perfect day for you!!

Kristoff: Happy Birthday
Making today a perfect day and no feeling blue
Kristoff: I LOVE YOU BABY!!
For every thing you are to us
And all that you do
Kristoff: Well, I do
We're making today a perfect day
Making today a perfect day
We're making today a perfect day

Perfect day

When Kristoff sings, "I love you, baby!" It's easily one of my favorite things ever

P!nk- So What

Na na na na na na na na na na na na na
I guess I just lost my husband, I don't know where he went
So I'm gonna drink my money, I'm not gonna pay his rent
I got a brand new attitude, I'm gonna wear it tonight
I'm wanna get in trouble, I wanna start a fight

Na na na na na na na I wanna start a fight
Na na na na na na na I wanna start a fight

So, so what? I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves, and I don't need you
And guess what, I'm having more fun
And now that we're done, I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm all right, I'm just fine
And you're a tool, so, so what?
I am a rock star, I got my rock moves
And I don't want you tonight

Uh, check my flow, aw

The waiter just took my table and gave it to Jessica Simps(shit!)
I guess I'll go sit with drum boy, at least he'll know how to hit
What if this song's on the radio, then somebody's gonna die
I'm gonna get in trouble, my ex will start a fight

Na na na na na na na he's gonna start a fight
Na na na na na na na we're all gonna get in a fight

So, so what? I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves, and I don't need you
And guess what, I'm having more fun
And now that we're done, I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm all right, I'm just fine
And you're a tool so, so what?
I am a rock star, I got my rock moves
And I don't need you tonight

You weren't there, you never were
You want it all, but that's not fair
I gave you life, I gave my all
You weren't there, you let me fall

So, so what? I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves, and I don't need you
And guess what, I'm having more fun
And now that we're done, I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm all right, I'm just fine
And you're a tool so, so what?
I am a rock star, I got my rock moves
And I don't need you tonight

No, no, no, no
I don't want you tonight
You weren't there
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm all right, I'm just fine
And you're a tool so, so what
I am a rock star, I got my rock moves
And I don't want you tonight!

Worst Realization

I feel the best I ever have since I've started pushing everyone away
I also feel the most lonely

Alessia Cara- Here

I guess right now you've got the last laugh

I'm sorry if I seem uninterested
Or I'm not listening, or I'm indifferent
Truly, I ain't got no business here but since my friends are here
I just came to kick it
But really I would rather be at home all by myself
Not in this room with people who don't even care about my well being
I don't dance, don't ask, I don't need a boyfriend
So you can go back, please enjoy your party I'll be here
Somewhere in this corner under clouds of marijuana
With this boy who's hollering I can hardly hear
Over this music I don't listen to and I don't want to get with you
So tell my friends that I'll be over here

Oh, here, oh, here
I ask myself what am I doing here?
Oh here, oh, here
And I can't wait until we can break up out of here

Excuse me if I seem a little unimpressed with this, an antisocial pessimist
And usually I don't mess with this
And I know you only mean the best and your intentions aren't to bother me
But honestly I'd rather be somewhere with my people
We can kick it and just listen to some music with the message
Like we usually do
And we'll discuss our big dreams, how we plan to take over the planet
So pardon my manners, I hope you'll understand that I'll be here
Not there in the kitchen with that girl who's always gossiping about her friends
So tell them I'll be here
Right next to the boy who's throwing up cause he can't take what's in his cup no more
Oh god, why am I here?

Oh, here, oh, here
I ask myself what am I doing here?
Oh, here, oh, here
And I can't wait until we can break up out of here

Hours later, congregating next to the refrigeratior
Some girl's talking about her haters, she ain't got none
How did it ever come to this, I should have never come to this
So holler at me I'll be in the car when you're done
I'm standoffish, don't want what you're offering, and I'm done talking
Awfully sad it had to be that way
So tell my people when they're ready that I'm ready
And I'm standing by the TV with my beanie low
Yo, I'll be over here

Oh, here, oh, here
I ask myself what am I doing here?
Oh, here, oh, here
And I can't wait until we can break up out of here

Oh, oh

Kill Me

I have the worst migrane in the history of ever and I'm praying to god I don't have homework or readings due tomorrow

Two types, two kinds

There are two types of love. There's the kind that you find in good morning texts and shy smiles. The kind that comes with butterflies and stolen glances. The kind where you laugh for no reason and a smile is forever glued to your face. Sweet, simple, honest, pure
And then there's
The kind that finds you in 2 a.m. phone calls and the tears on your pillow. The kind that comes with a war between your brain and your heart. The kind where nothing makes you happier and nothing makes you sadder. Passionate, overwhelming, intense, daring
And when it all comes crashing down
So do you.

There are two kinds of love. In the safe kind you look for someone who's exactly like you. It's what most folks settle for. But then there's the other kind of love. Everyone's born with a ragged edge, and some folks crave that piece that's a perfect fit. You'll search for it forever, if you have to. And if you're lucky enough to find it, it looks so right, you start to tear at your own seams, thinking, maybe I could look just as perfect. But then, of course, when you try to get close to their other half, you don't fit anymore. That kind of love, you come out of it a different person than you were when you started.

There are two types of waiting. There's the waiting you do for something you know is coming, sooner or later- like waiting for the 6:28  train, or the school bus, or a party where a certain handsome man might be. And then there's the waiting for something you don't know is coming. You don't even know what it is exactly, but you're hoping for it. You're imagining it and living your life for it. That's the kind of waiting that makes a fist in your heart.

There are two kinds of forgiveness, the kind that when you forgive you're also giving them another chance. Or the kind where you forgive, but move on without them. Use them both wisely

Tahereh Mafi quotes

I don't know how to hate you anymore. Even though I want to. I really want to and I know I should but I just can't

I press my palm to the small pane of glass and feel the cold clasp my hand in a familiar embrace. We are both alone, both existing as he absence of something else.

Raindrops are my only reminder that clouds have a heartbeat and that I have one too

Sometimes I think the loneliness inside of me is going to explode through my skin and sometimes I'm not sure if crying or screaming or laughing through the hysteria will solve anything at all. Sometimes I'm so desperate to touch to be touched to feel that I'm almost certain I'm going to fall off a cliff into an alternate universe where no one will ever be able to find me. It doesn't seem possible. I've been screaming for years and no one has ever heard me

I'm oxygen and he's dying to breathe

Find me cure for these tears. I'd really like to exhale for the first time in my life

Hope is a pocket of possibility

My life is four walls of missed opportunities poured into concrete molds

The moon understands what its like to be human. Uncertain. Alone. Cratered by imperfections

In the absence of human relationships I formed bonds with paper characters

26 letters are all I need. I can stitch them together to create oceans and ecosystems. I can fit them together to form planets and solar systems. I can use letters to construct skyscrapers and metropolitan cities populated by people, places, things, and ideas that are more real to me than these four walls. I need nothing but letters to live

There will be a bird today. It will be white with streaks of gold like a crown atop its head. It will fly.

"Because if I lower my voice, I won't be able to hear myself speak. And that," he says, "is my favorite part."

A Softer World quotes

Depression is like slashing at ghosts. Of course, it's tempting to finally cut something real.

The end will come like an iceberg and I will help everyone else into the lifeboats hiding my relief behind a hero's mask

A bloody knife and a smile. Why? What are you wearing?

Remember when your potential was a promise instead of a regret?

I got myself a time machine, only to learn the disappointing truth that whenever I go, then I am

How many wailing ghosts have I ignored annoyed at one more neighbors noise?

I like myself best when I remember to be kind to the prisoners

Before we teach computers to love maybe we should teach them about personal boundaries

I don't want to live forever. I'm not even sure I want the time I have

Waking up is nice for these first few moments before you remember who and what you are

Our bodies are ours to break, ours to throw into rivers, ours to light on fire, ours to launch into the depths of space

Suicidal is an ugly word. I am just homesick for a better time

Would you rather live forever or figure out how to live now

17 Years

For some really weird reason, for the last year and a half I've been really freaked out by my 17th birthday. I've always felt in my heart that I wouldn't make it to 17, even now I'm freaked that I'm going to like, die in my sleep tonight.
This week I've started trying to figure out why I felt that way for so long. Did I know Chelsea was going to die before my 17th? Or my Uncle Eddie? Or that my ex boyfriend's and I's relationship was going to die?
But right now, I think it's all of those. A year and a half ago I had a different set of friends, a different view on relationships, and I had never lost anyone.
But I know I've lost me, and it's not a bad thing.
I'm a completely different person than I was a year and a half ago, even a year ago. A lot of shitty stuff has happened, discovering cutting, abusing prescriptions, bordering anorexia, breakups, both with my friends and those more than friends, losing one of the closest people in my life. And the person I was couldn't have dealt with it.
But the person I am now, can. And I have. Whoever I was is gone, she died somewhere between all that stuff. And I know that death was agonizing, and it may not even be over. Maybe it's not even a metaphorical death, but I'm not killing myself tonight. And that's a victory all in itself.
I don't know. But at least I'm more ready for it now than I was.
Happy Birthday To Me

Fall Out Boy- Centuries

Some legends are told, some turn to dust or to gold
But you will remember me, remember me for centuries
And just one mistake is all it will take
We'll go down in history, remember me for centuries
Remember me for centuries

Mummified my teenage dreams
No, it's nothing wrong with me
The kids are all wrong
The story's all off
Heavy metal broke my heart

Come on, come on and let me in
The bruises on your thighs like my fingerprints
And this is supposed to match the darkness that you felt
I never meant for you to fix yourself

Some legends are told, some turn to dust or to gold
But you will remember me, remember me for centuries
And just one mistake is all it will take
We'll go down in history, remember me for centuries
Remember me for centuries

And I can't stop until the whole world knows my name
'Cause I was only born inside my dreams
Until you die for me, as long as there's light, my shadow's over you
'Cause I, I am the opposite of amnesia
And you're a cherry blossom, you're about to bloom
You look so pretty, but you're gone so soon

Some legends are told, some turn to dust or to gold
But you will remember me, remember me for centuries
And just one mistake is all it will take
We'll go down in history, remember me for centuries
Remember me for centuries

We've been here forever
And here's the frozen proof
I could scream forever
We are the poisoned youth

Some legends are told, some turn to dust or to gold
But you will remember me, remember me for centuries
And just one mistake is all it will take
We'll go down in history, remember me for centuries
Remember me for centuries

We'll go down in history
Remember me for centuries

Elvis Presley- I Can't Help Falling in Love With You

Wise men say only fools rush in
But I can't help falling in love with you
Shall I stay, would it be a sin
If I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows surely to the sea
Darling, so it goes, some things were meant to be
Take my hand, take my whole life too
For I can't help falling in love with you

For I can't help falling in love with you

https://www.facebook.com/lovewhatreallymatters/videos/991189497570115/

Pippin- Morning Glow

Why won't my hands stop shaking
When all the earth is still
So many ancient ghosts are waking
So many steps need taking
So many plans need making
I think I will, I think I will

Morning glow, morning glow
Starts to glimmer when you know
Winds of change are set to blow
And sweep this whole land through
Morning glow is long past due

Morning glow fill the earth
Come and shine for all you're worth
We'll be present at the birth
Of all things looking new
Morning glow is long past due

Oh morning glow
I'd like to help you grow
We should have started long ago

So morning glow all day long
As we sing tomorrow's song
Never knew we could be so strong
But now it's very clear

Morning glow is almost here

Morning glow, by your light
We can make the new day bright
And the phantoms of the night
Will fade into the past

Morning glow is here at last!

Three Questions

What was it like to love him? Asked Gratitude.
It was like being exhumed, I answered. And brought to life in a flash of brilliance.

What was it like to be loved in return? Asked Joy.
It was like being seen after a perpetual darkness, I replied. To be heard after a lifetime of silence.

What was it like to lose him? Asked Sorrow.
There was a long pause before I responded:

It was like hearing every goodbye ever said to me-- said all at once.

-Lang Leav

I think

Sometimes the key is accepting that you will always love someone. And that's okay. There's no need to change it

And sometimes prayer fails

Sometimes all you can do is accept that these hits of self-hatred will come at you and you can't escape them and they'll make you so sick mentally, physically, and emotionally that you can hardly function and just pray to God one of them doesn't happen when you have access to a razor.

Author Anonymous

As I sit in heaven
And watch you everyday
I try to let you know with signs
I never went away
I hear you when you're laughing
And watch you as you sleep
I even place my arms around you
To calm you as you weep
I see you wish the days away
Begging to have me home
So I try to send you signs
So you know you're not alone
Don't feel guilty that you have
Life that was denied to me
Heaven is truly beautiful
Just you wait and see
So live your life, laugh again
Enjoy yourself, be free
Then I know with every breath you take
You'll be taking one for me

Guess who has her Halloween costume from the neck up??

Done, done, and done

God, I'm good

Bryan Adams- Sound the Bugle

Sound the bugle now, play it just for me
As the seasons change, remember how I used to be
Now I can't go on, I can't even start
I've got nothing left, just an empty heart

I'm a soldier, wounded so I must give up the fight
There's nothing more for me, lead me away
Or leave me lying here

Sound the bugle now, tell them I don't care
There's not a road I know that leads to anywhere
Without a light I fear that I will stumble in the dark
Lay right down, decide not to go on

Then from on high, somewhere in the distance
There's a voice that calls, "Remember who you are"
If you lose yourself, your courage soon will follow

So be strong tonight, remember who you are
Yeah, you're a soldier now, fighting in a battle
To be free once more
Yeah, that's worth fighting for

New Life Philosophy

I'm either gonna kill myself or everything is gonna work out, kind of indifferent to which happens first

I'm surprised I'm alive to write this

I still just want to jump in front of a car and take as many pills as I can get my hands on and it's not because we broke up it's because I isolated myself long before you did and I always wanted you to be perfect because you were my lifeline but when my lifeline breaks I'm alone and I really wanna do that night over because I miss you and I figured that if we were over for good it'd be my fault if I killed myself after and you couldn't think it was yours, I really hope you're doing better and if you're not then nothing good came out of this so come back to me please?
But if you are, this was just a joke, ha

I feel like

I want to be alone. I really want to just spend my classes at my desk with my work. I want to spend lunches in the library or sitting on the staircase reading. I want after school to be filled with homework and my texts to just be about school and clubs. I want weekends to be filled with studying and music and tv. I want to talk to my family that I like and talk to "friends" only when I need to.
I don't even feel alive. I feel empty but also full of nothing but sand. I want the bare minimum of clothes, food, everything but knowledge and a promise of future.
Everything I want to say is this,

To you, I'm really sorry. If I could go back this would've never happened. I should've seen it, and I hate myself for not, now I don't know what's gonna happen. "Not today" is the proper response to anything but "I can't love myself in this relationship" so I don't know where to go from here. I thought we were becoming different people, and I thought that could be fine, or we could be drifting apart, I don't know. And until I get any sort of spine I'm just going to sit at the pond and wait until it isn't the wind rustling the leaves that sounds like you walking towards me. I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do. How can I move on when I'm still in love with you. And yeah, you're broken, I get it. You're a shell, anything and everything, I get it. Who am I to say I can help you, all I know for sure is that I can promise you won't go through it alone if you just. I don't know. Fuck it all I suppose. I hope a second of wanting to talk to me, a second of wanting me to help you comes cause I don't know what to do.
To everyone else, I wish I gave a fuck
Thanks The Script for the lyrics

Anna Nalick- Breathe

2 a.m. and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah, we walk through the doors, so accusing in their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize
Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
Life's like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe
Oh, breathe, just breathe

May, he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist
He ain't been sober since maybe October of last year
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles
I wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, boys
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe
Oh, breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If only you'd try turning around

2 a.m. and I'm still awake writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
'Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to a table
No one can find the rewind button now
So breathe, just breathe
Breathe, just breathe

Me singing and hitting my knee

You're hot and you're cold!
You're yes and you're no!
You're in and you're out!
You're up an- OH GOD OW

The Irony is What Kills Me

I've tried for years to make sure no one feels like they can't talk to me. And right now I have no one to talk to

Adele- Don't You Remember

When will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said
No final kiss to seal any sins
I had no idea of the state we were in

I know I have a fickle heart, and a bitterness
And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head

But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before?
Baby, please remember me once more

When was the last time you thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memory?
I often thing about where I went wrong
The more I do, the less I know

But I know I have a fickle heart, and a bitterness
And a wandering eye, and heaviness in my head

But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before?
Baby, please remember me once more

Gave you the space so you could breathe
I kept my distance so you would be free
And hoped that you'd find the missing piece
To bring you back to me

Why don't you remember? Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before
Baby, please remember you used to love me

When will I see you again?

Then maybe you can remember why you loved yourself too. That's the thing about loving yourself. If it's not unconditional it won't work for long

When it's good it's great but when it's bad it's awful

It feels like, I don't know. Anything would be better than finding out he's better off without me. Because I'm still sitting here praying it's not true, and it's selfish and idiotic and it's so so over but I'm never going to get over the fact that every time I look back and ask what I could've done better the answer is always nothing. And I'm still hoping maybe he'll take it back, so fucking selfish, or realize it was something else that he needs so I can relax. I'm thinking that maybe if it happens soon, I won't even be breaking the rule that we're never getting back together. Did we really separate if I haven't admitted it to anyone? Even to myself?

I hate drama

Sometimes when you hate things you don't avoid them at all costs. You just try to keep other people from experiencing it. I really wish a third party came to me when I was doing some really stupid mean shit and told me what they thought. Because sometimes is hard to see something when you're right in it. I don't freaking run after drama. If someone doesn't ask for my help I don't freaking get involved. God that hurt. To think someone you value so much thinks so little of you. I really hate drama. I just hate looking on my contacts list and realizing there is no one I can talk to more. Even if it's the pettiest shit I can't stand the idea of making anyone else feel that way.  Cause it sucks. And that's how I feel now. I can't imagine why you'd stay with someone you think so little of. Just don't, cause you'd hurt them more staying with them than breaking up with them. The person who has so much drama revolving around them all the time is the same person who was the first and only to realize by themselves that I lie and put others before myself. It's hard to be a people pleaser and not get involved in drama. But I do a pretty good job of not dragging others into it. Maybe I don't. Maybe I don't and should just stop being that person.
All I know right now is I can't stop crying and I know the person who I want to talk to about it will think smaller of me because of this.

Nostalgia, like a train

And I

Am feeling so small

It was over my head

I know nothing at all

 

God it should've been me, I miss her so freaking much. Rereading old conversations I just... like... one more night, one more hour of just sitting and talking, flat ironing hair or walking along the beach. I really wish she heard me when I told her I loved her. That I missed her hair as much as she did. That she knew when I was holding her hand and kissing her forehead and praying so hard for her to open her eyes one more time.

Say something I'm giving up on you

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you

Anywhere I would've followed you

Say something I'm giving up on you!

I hear thunder

Stepping in front of a car is like the weirdest thing ever. It's so selfish, like, if you're hit the person that was driving is going to be guilty forever but there's nothing you can do about it. My guy swerved and kept going. Maybe he thought I was just some idiot not paying attention.
Honestly I never wanted a boyfriend. It's fun to do all that relationship stuff, kissing and holding hands and dates. I just wanted someone I could be real with.
I was so used to keeping to myself and being afraid of my words and what they did to me, and my family. I wanted a hug from someone who I felt actually cared about me.
Now that it's over, I don't miss the cute stuff. I just miss looking at someone and being able to feel something. A person who wouldn't reprimand me for crying or showing anything but healthy social obedient behavior.
It never hurts seeing his pictures or face because I miss the relationship. It hurts because the one person I could open up to is the main person I have to hide from because he no longer has any commitment or requirement to stay with me.
I know it's pathetic, but I don't want another relationship with a boy or a girl.
I want someone to hold me while I cry.

Very Last Words

I'm no genius. But I know people. I'm not amazing at it but I know what I'm doing. I can't do this anymore. Every reason I had, everything I was waiting for just isn't important to me anymore. Everything I was scared of isn't an issue. I hate this emotion, any emotion. I know who this will hurt. And I'm sorry. All I can do is push them away before it's over. I can cry on someone's shoulder or be a antisocial bitch until everyone I was close to believes in their heart that they'd be better off without me.
And if they're reading this, I'm sorry. Every word I'm going to say hurts me as much as it hurts you.  No matter what I say though, I love you. And I'm sorry