When it's good it's great but when it's bad it's awful

It feels like, I don't know. Anything would be better than finding out he's better off without me. Because I'm still sitting here praying it's not true, and it's selfish and idiotic and it's so so over but I'm never going to get over the fact that every time I look back and ask what I could've done better the answer is always nothing. And I'm still hoping maybe he'll take it back, so fucking selfish, or realize it was something else that he needs so I can relax. I'm thinking that maybe if it happens soon, I won't even be breaking the rule that we're never getting back together. Did we really separate if I haven't admitted it to anyone? Even to myself?