I haven't felt anything but desperation in weeks

I'm sick of navigating this pointless drama and not having the courage to say what I think and I'm sick of feeling nothing and empty and angry and suicidal and homicidal all at the same time, I'm sick of being confused and desperate, I'm sick of everyone pretending to be something that they're not when we're all just scared little kids and no one wants to admit it.
I'm really tired of pretending to care when I know I just need all these social interactions because without them I'd feel more alone than I already do which would be quite a feat because I've already carved the words into my skin more than I can count because that's the only way I can try to feel like I understand what I'm thinking.
And I keep thinking that if I hold out there's going to be someone or something that makes me feel alive again and I'm looking and it never happens, it's just empty after empty after empty. It's just one big dissapointment after another.
The real world is, either grow up or die trying I've tried about as hard as I can and I'm real close to being done

It astounds me that

People can drive without the urge to drive the car into a tree?
Or can hold a knife without imagining hurting themselves with it??
Or stand on a cliff and not imagine jumping off????
How???????

Watsky- Kidnap Your Boyfriend

I was just thinking that I really like you
And I was just thinking I really like you
And I was just thinking if I kidnap your boyfriend
Could I be your boyfriend?

I've gotta time it right, I've gotta plan it through
You're a stick of dynamite, hope that I can handle you
You're a while new animal they couldn't hold a candle to
So I demand a candid answer, what's a man to do?
Could pay a camera crew
Get an editor set up in his kitchen with the video and kid and put his ass on Catch A Predator
Call his creditor
Tell em he's in heavy debt and with fed on red alert
I plant a care package, a bear trap with the teeth padded
And when he grabs it, then I beat it like Br'er Rabbit
Or I could lock him in the liquor cabinet
Drinking, thinking, sad until he kicks the habit
And if he gets lovey dovey
I'll take a kindergarten keep him in the cubby
When we leave for winter break and someone gets the pet I'm gonna pawn him off on little
Betty like he was a guppy

I was just thinking that I really like you
And I was just thinking I really like you
And I was just thinking if I kidnap your boyfriend
Could I be your boyfriend?

It's a minute to midnight and
That's my cue to pull him in my big white van
Beckon him with my charisma
Chucking snickers at him like it's his Bar mitzvah
And if someone heard that racket
Better bet I'm gonna bag him in a burlap sack
Your dude's whack, he lacks the X Factor
Bookmark boy, I can be the next chapter
What do I do for the women who tell me they want me?
That when I got over the one who steadily haunts me
If I get over the one then I'll be ready to party
Then I'll be ready for Blondie, on me get up and calmly walk away
It's pretty pathetic, I get it, but not today
You wanted to play, you want me to act tough?
Spend every dime, but I won't go bankrupt
I said to be easy, could you please back up
All these Jenga beezies they just don't stack up

I was just thinking that I really like you
And I was just thinking I really like you
And I was just thinking if I kidnap your boyfriend
Could I be your boyfriend?

But if I'm too blunt, I can mask it
If time's a blunt, I can pass it
I'd rather pass with to the passenger
Shotgun the messenger, call off the massacre
Your dude is cool, I wish I didn't have to mess with him
To tell the truth, I want the very second best for him
I'm positive I'm not pessimist, I'm not jumping
I'm just pissing off the precipice
If I deafen to the definition and I never gotcha
God, I betcha I'll be better cause I metcha but be I'm missing always waiting for the day you'll be available
You keep on stating who you're dating ain't debatable
But baby, maybe we could pick up when this shit ends
My sixth sense says we're clicking like we're Bic pens
I don't wanna read the writing on the wall if it's only gonna end like Annie Hall

5 Seconds of Summer- Voodoo Doll

I don't even like you
Why'd you want to go and make me feel this way?
And I don't understand what's happened
I keep saying things I never say

I can feel you watching even when you're nowhere to be seen
I can feel you touching even when you're far away from me

Tell me where you hide your voodoo doll 'cause I can't control myself
I don't want to stay, I wanna run away but I'm trapped under your spell
And it hurts in my head and my heart and my chest
And I'm having trouble catching my breath

Ooh, won't you please stop loving me to death?

I don't even see my friends any more
'Cause I keep hanging out with you
I don't know how you kept me up all night
Or how I got this tattoo

I can feel you watching even when you're nowhere to be seen
I can feel you touching even when you're far away from me

Tell me where you hide your voodoo doll 'cause I can't control myself
I don't want to stay, I wanna run away but I'm trapped under your spell
And it hurts in my head and my heart and my chest
And I'm having trouble catching my breath

Ooh, won't you please stop loving me to death?

Every time you're near me
Suddenly my heart begins to race
Every time I leave
I don't know why my heart begins to break

Tell me where you hide your voodoo doll 'cause I can't control myself
I don't want to stay, I wanna run away but I'm trapped under your spell
And it hurts in my head and my heart and my chest
And I'm having trouble holding my breath

Ooh, won't you please stop loving me to death?

My day

I don't think I've ever been this angry and sad at the same time before. It's almost all I can do not to break down into shudders and screams and I really want to punch the wall so hard I can feel the bones in my hand break, a little because I want an actual reason for feeling this way but mostly because I've never gone this long without the relief that comes with the sensation of pain.

Secondhand Serenade- Awake

With every appearance by you
Blinding my eyes
I can hardly remember the last time I felt like I do
You're an angel disguised

And you're lying real still
But your heart beat is fast just like mine
And the movie's long over
That's three that have passed, one more's fine

Will you stay awake for me?
I don't want to miss anything
I don't want to miss anything
I will share the air I breathe
I'll give you my heart on a string
I just don't wanna miss anything

I'm trying real hard not to shake
I'm biting my tongue
But I'm feeling alive and with every breath that I take
I feel like I've won, you're my key to survival

And if it's a hero you want
I can save you, just stay here
Your whispers are priceless
You're breath, it is dear, so please stay near

Will you stay awake for me?
I don't wanna miss anything
I don't wanna miss anything
I will share the air I breathe
I'll give you my heart on a string
I just don't wanna miss anything

Say my name, I just want to hear you
Say my name, so I know it's true
You're changing me, you're changing me
You showed me how to live
So just say, so just say

That you'll stay awake for me
I don't wanna miss anything
I don't wanna miss anything
I will share the air I breathe
I'll give you my heart on a string
I just don't wanna miss anything

My mother used to say

Love should be

Simple, like

Wind and rivers,

But I wanted the

Storms and

Wildfires that filled

Book pages. You

Told me that each

Article of clothing

You wore held a

Certain meaning

And ate pistachio

Ice cream ironically. We

Were never simple

And despite what I thought

We were never ever

In love, just in

Trouble

-r.i.d.

Maroon 5- She Will Be Loved

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles and wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow I want more

I don't mind spending every day
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay a while
And she will be loved, and she will be loved

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along, yeah
My heart is full and my door's always open
You come anytime you want, yeah

I don't mind spending every day
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay a while
And she will be loved, and she will be loved

And she will be loved, and she will be loved

I know where you hide alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Come back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

I don't mind spending every day
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay a while
And she will be loved, and she will be loved

And she will be loved, please don't try so hard to say goodbye
And she will be loved, please don't try so hard to say goodbye

I don't mind spending every day
Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Please don't try so hard to say goodbye

Tegan and Sara- Nineteen

I felt you in my legs before I even met you
And when I laid beside you for the first time I told you
I feel you in my heart, and I don't even know you

And now we're saying bye, bye, bye
Now we're saying bye, bye, bye
I was nineteen, call me

I felt you in my life before I ever thought to
Feel the need to lay down beside you and tell you
I feel you in my heart, and I don't even know you

And now we're saying bye, bye, bye
Now we're saying bye, bye, bye
I was nineteen, call me, I was nineteen, call me

Flew home, back to where we met
Stayed inside, I was so upset
Cooked up a plan, so good except
I was all alone

You were all I had, love you
You were all mine, love me
I was yours, right?
I was yours, right?

I was nineteen, call me
I was nineteen, call me

On an On- Drifting

I had a dream and when I woke up
You were finally there
And I believe that many hours turned to minutes
It's not fair
And when I turned to where you should've been
I started drifting
I tried to stare into your eyes and realized
That there was something missing

And if I stayed, I couldn't help but stay awake
Cause it's not you, it's just a dream
It's only fake
Just gotta leave, I gotta leave

Turn they key
I tried I tried to drive away into the night
Tried to keep, I try to keep between the lines and out of sight
And when I look beside me where you should've been
I started drifting
I tried to stare into your eyes and realized
That there was something missing

And if I stayed, I couldn't help but lay awake
Cause it's not you, it's just a dream
It's only fake
Just gotta leave, I gotta leave

I get out, I gotta get out
I gotta get out, I gotta get out

And when I turned to where you should've been
I started drifting
I tried to stare into your eyes and realized
That there was something...

And if I stayed, I couldn't help but lay awake
Cause it's not you, it's just a dream

It's only fake
Still if I changed everything would be the same
I  can't take no more
I don't know what I'm fighting for
I just gotta leave, I gotta leave

I had a dream and when I woke up
You were finally there
When I woke up
You were finally there
When I woke up
You were finally there

Big Time Rush- Worldwide

Wait a minute, before you tell me anything how was your day?
'Cause I've been missing you by my side
Did I wake you out of your dream? I'm sorry but I couldn't sleep
You calm me down, there's something about the sound of your voice

I never, never, never, as far away as it may seem no
Soon we'll be together, we'll pick up right where we left off

Paris, London, Tokyo
It's just one thing that I gotta do
Hello, tuck you in every night on the phone
Hello, tuck you in every night

And I can hardly take another goodbye
Baby, won't be long
You're the one that I'm waiting on
Tuck you in every night on the phone

'Cause I be thinking about you worldwide, worldwide, worldwide(x3)

Yes, I may meet a million pretty girls that know my name
But you don't have to worry, no, 'cause you have my heart
It ain't easy to keep moving city to city, just get up and go
The show must go on, so I need you to be strong

I'm never ever never as far away as it may seem
No never, soon we'll be together
We'll pick up right where we left off

Lasted about an hour

One day
About a week ago
I woke up
And the sun was bright
The air was breathable
The road was open
And my legs and shoulders were strong
I walked back inside
And it was too dark to see

Miley Cyrus- Seven Things

I probably shouldn't say this
But at times I get so scared
When I think about the previous
Relationship we shared

It was awesome but we lost it
It's not possible for me not to care
And now we're standing in the rain
But nothing's every gonna change until you hear
My dear

The seven things I hate about you

The seven things I hate about you
You're vain, your games, you're insecure
You love me, you like her
You make me laugh, you make me cry
I don't know which side to buy
Your friends, they're jerks
When you act like them, just know it hurts
I wanna be with the one I know
And the seventh thing I hate the most that you do
You make me love you

It's awkward and silent
As I wait for you to say
But what I need to hear now
Is your sincere apology
When you mean it, I'll believe it
If you text it, I'll delete it
Let's be clear
Oh, I'm not coming back
You're taking seven steps here

The seven things I hate about you
You're vain, your games, you're insecure
You love me, you like her
You make me laugh, you make me cry
I don't know which side to buy
Your friends, they're jerks
When you act like them, just know it hurts
I wanna be with the one I know
And the seventh thing I hate the most that you do
You make me love you

And compared to all the great things
That would take too long to write
I probably should mention
The seven that I like

The seven things I like about you
Your hair, your eyes, your old Levi's
And when we kiss, I'm hypnotized
You make me laugh, you make me cry
But I guess that's both I'll have to buy
Your hand in mine
When we're intertwined everything's all right
I want to be with the one I know
And the seventh thing I like the most that you do
You make me love you

R.I.P. Chels

She made broken look beautiful
and strong look invincible.
She walked with the Universe
on her shoulder and made it
look like a pair of wings

-Ariana

I love you and miss you

I forgot the date of her death and she made my hallway smell like Back Door Donuts
Why that smell?
Though I can't think of any other I would recognize
I know I automatically remember it
Does she know that too
Does she know me that well
Or is that what she took with her
I hope so

Not Mine but Damn

She has a bookshelf for a heart
And ink runs through her brains
She'll write you into her story
With the typewriter in her brain
Her bookshelf's getting crowded
With all the stories that she's penned
Of the people who flicked through her pages
But closed the book before the end
And there's one pushed to the very back
That sits collecting dust
With its title in her finest writing
"The One's Who Lost My Trust"
There's books she's scared to open
And books she doesn't close
Stories of every person she's met
Stretched out in endless rows
Some people have only a sentence
While others once held a main part
Thousands of inky footprints
That they've left across her heart
You might wonder why she does this
Why write of people she once knew?
But she hopes one day she'll mean enough
For someone to write about her too

-e.h.

I saw promise in you and I loved that promise

I've been waiting for a long time
Wondering when he'd be back
I guess I didn't realize
The guy I was waiting for has died

He was sweet, and kind
He didn't even know it
He had the world on his mind
That's why I fell

And when he looked into my eyes
I saw a future like I'd never seen
Now I see regret
And a sad, sad smile

Now I'm hoping
Don't care when
He'll see himself the way I do
The way I think I used to

I see fire in a heart
I see a scared but worthy soul
I see a child needing a kiss goodnight
I see a man looking for a home

I see a talent beyond recognition
I see smarts hidden by tongue
I see someone who thinks they've already lost
But really, they've already won

Happy New Years

There's gotta be a point where you just give up and say fuck it. I'm really glad I reached that point at the start of the new year cause, you know, there's nothing more for me to do here.
If I want to cut I'm going to slice my wrists open, if I'm going to drink it's going to be a whole bottle and I better feel a burn, and if I want to fuck somebody's brains out, guess what, I'm going to for hours and hours and hours.
Cause I really have tried to give a shit but maybe the secret is not giving any and remembering that it doesn't make you a bad person, it just makes you free.