Don't laugh at me

I'm a little boy with glasses, the one they call a geek
A little girl who never smiles, 'cause I have braces on my teeth
And I know how it feels to cry myself to sleep
I'm that kid on every playground, who's always chosen last
A single teenage mother trying to overcome my past
You don't have to be my friend, but is it too much to ask

C: Don't laugh at me, don't call me names
Don't get your pleasure from my pain
In God's eyes we're all the same
Someday we'll all have perfect wings
Don't laugh at me

I'm the beggar on the corner, you've passed me on the street
And I wouldn't be out here begging if I had enough to eat
And don't think I don't notice that our eyes never meet

C

I'm fat, I'm thin, I'm short, I'm tall
I'm deaf, I'm blind, yes, I think in a way, we're all
I'm black, I'm white, and I am brown
I'm Christian, I'm Jewish, and I am Muslim
I'm gay, I'm lesbian, I'm American Indian
I'm very, very young, I'm quite aged
I'm very wealthy, I'm very, very poor

C

-Peter, Paul, and Mary

We'll see

I gotta be honest

I'm not really that fond of anyone today.

So Tuesday

Divergent was fantastic, first of all. I mean, of course they left out some parts I would have liked to see but the movie was already, like, two hours long so I get it. And it was really unnecessary to zoom in on EVERY LITTLE THING and Tris and her brother in Divergent play Hazel and Gus in The Fault in Our Stars so that is going to be trippy when I watch TFIOS but other than that, yeah, fantastic.
Okay so remember how I said my brother's girlfriend's friend was going? And a guy I had a crush on last semester? Yeah, she made us sit together which was fine and all 'cause we're friends but the actor who plays Four is GORGEOUS so I was trying not to swoon cause he was right there and it would have been ridiculous. But I wanted to swoon.
And besides that fact, I'm pretty damn sure my brother's girlfriend's friend gave the guy the third degree after the movie was out because when I was walking into the hall to call my mom, I saw them talking and he was doing his exasperated movements where he throws his hands up over his head (and I have to say, it is adorable but whatevs) so I really don't want to talk to him again but we talked after the movie and he seemed to not be weird so I dunno.
And we have Spanish together and I really need the Spanish homework assignment because I forgot to write it down and he won't text me back (that little nugget) so I dunno. I may have to go to extreme measures to get it from someone else. Ugh, work.
And also my bro and his girlfriend were macking the entire movie which, of course, made me want to barf all over them. Ick.
Oh, and my best friend also won't text me back, so um, there's that. Which is why I'm telling the blog. Not her. Again.

Disgusting- Miranda Cosgrove

My mind blinks like a traffic light
It's green and red and stop and go
Changing all the time
And it makes me scared that I haven't left
That I'm still right here, more or less

Jump out in traffic, I have to go my own way
My heart is slipping, too intense, I need an escape
I'm seeing stars and there is nothing more that I hate
Baby, there's something that I have to say

It's disgusting how I love you I can't take it, I should hate you!
'Cause you're messing up my name, gotta walk, my talk, my fame
But I just want to touch your face, It's disgusting!
It's disgusting how you changed me, from a bandit to a baby
Think I might have to change my name
If I'm gonna walk this walk of shame
Look at what you do to me! It's disgusting!

Chapter by chapter I'm falling
Faster and faster becoming
Manic, the magic,
It's so romantic, I panic, oh!
Hit the eject button but
It must be stuck
Something's up
I'm drifting out
Right over the brink, baby!

Shakespeare Miranda Cosgrove

I saw you there, so beautiful
You stopped and stared, so magical
Then you asked me for my name
And we took an uptown train
Before you leave, get up to go
I wanna know

Do you like Shakespeare, Jeff Buckley
Watching movies on Sunday?
Do you like kissing when it's raining
Making faces in the station?
Do you like, I need to know
What do you like, before you go?

You walk me home, so wonderful
It starts to snow, so incredible
Now we're walking up my street
And you slowly turn to me
You're three inches from my lips
But before we do this

Do you like Shakespeare, Jeff Buckley
Watching movies on Sunday?
Do you like kissing when it's raining
Making faces in the station?
Do you like, I need to know
What do you like, before you go? Oh, oh

Show me the place where you come from
And the places you dream of
I wanna know everything you are
But before we get that far

What do you like? I need to know
What do you like, before you go?

Do you like Shakespeare, Jeff Buckley
Watching movies on Sunday?
Do you like kissing when it's raining
Making faces in the station?

'Cause I like Shakespeare, Jeff Buckley
Watching movies on Sunday
Kissing when it's raining
Making faces in the station
What do you like?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Stuff I love

1. How Blogger has that little button next to the post title thing when you're writing the post that says, "Publish" which really just means putting the draft of a post on the blog. But I really like it because it makes me think of when I'm rich and famous for acting or writing or cooking or whatever, and I publish a real book. I feel like with this blog, I'm starting my career. Which gives me something to look forward to.

So it's Tuesday,

And we(as in him and I) are not going to the movies together but that is okay. Because it will be me, my brother, my brother's girlfriend, and my brother's girlfriend's friend, and two guys whose names will remain unknown. But one is really annoying and the other I had a crush on last semester.
But the boy I am currently in like with will not be attending but that's fine because I have a plan to get him to invite me to his house to watch Frozen, because his parents bought the DVD. (Frozen is amazing!!!!) So we shall see how that goes. It'll work. Probably. The real struggle is my mother letting me go to a boy's house to watch a movie. It's not like we're going to DO anything. I'm responsible. Even when I go into a zone. Then I'm untouchable. But I'm still responsible. Just vacant. Meds. Whatevs.
Anyway...
I'll tell you how tonight goes.

I want Gladiator sandals SO BAD

Once you start throwing around the phrase "If so-and-so doesn't happen I'm going to kill myself" people start paying attention.
But, you know, I'm JOKING

So... Tuesday night...

We may or may not be going to the movies...

A cupcake in each hand

To end world hunger,
To bring world peace,
Because if you are holding cupcakes, you cannot. Hold. A. Gun.
Can I get a hallelujah!!!

Ohmigod

What's her name?
Who?
The girl, Alex.
There's no girl.
Oh, you can't hide it. I know strung out and you are strung out.
Okay, please.
This is amazing! You can't focus, right? Jumping every time your phone rings, checking your E-Mail a hundred times a day, wishing you could write songs? No, feeling the need to bring up her name in random conversations. It's always the same and it has happened to you, my friend.
Shit...
Welcome to my world, asshole.

-He's just not that into you

My baby

So my best friend is off at EAST Conference, and I hope she's okay, and that she's having a good time,
and I'm kind of sad that I only blew her a kiss and didn't hug her before she left because I don't know if I can go to the movies with her on Tuesday. I certainly hope so, because if not I probably won't see her until next week when school starts again which is really sad

High School

Welcome to High School

Where you will be judged on your appearance
Where you won't be able to talk to any of your friends
Where the drama will fill your head with anxiety
Where you should be worrying about schoolwork, but you aren't
Where you probably won't love the people around you
Where your heart will be broken multiple times
Where you will fail the big test you studied for all night
Where you will spend most of the day wishing you were elsewhere
Where you will make friends and enemies
Where you will get in fights and learn painful lessons
Where six valuable hours of your day will be wasted
Where you will see a lot of people you really don't want to see.
Have a nice four years.

A dream I had

There once was a girl with raven hair
Who did everything on a whim
She could sing, she could dance, she could clap her hands
But she never learned to swim
Then, one day, a man came to town
He wasn't very handsome
But he had been all around
He met this girl with the raven hair
But when he left, he left her there
She cried for a while
She grew a darkness within
But then decided she was better off without him
Some time passed and in the same place
Another man came with the same face
But he had a smile that could light up a room
But he never traveled much
So the raven haired girl would look,
Not touch
Soon he left and the darkness grew
Though she never loved man number two
And of course there was man number three
He came to town almost instantly
He met the girl and taught her how to swim
The sweet water erased the darkness within
But somehow, she never got his name
And he left, like the others
But it was not the same
Because now the girl could easily fly
Just not the kind that was done in the sky

Uh oh

Have I made the terrible mistake of liking someone smarter than me?

Oxymorons are basically complicated

Okay, so what I have realized is either your cat is really loving and always cuddles and sits next to you and is basically a small furball of affection that makes your life better and eventually gives birth to little-er furballs to make other peoples lives better

or

Your cat hates you and the only good thing you have for it is that you give it food and water and temporary heat but if you didn't provide it with those things it would not hesitate to eat you in your sleep

There is no in between.

Tell me why

I spent and hour and a half over the phone last night arguing with two people who get on my nerves for

1. writing a script for a movie I don't want to be a part of 
2. Studying for a biology test(that is going to kick my tail) with a boy I despise
3. Arguing over ludicrous topics that have nothing to do with anything

Do I have regrets?

Absolutely not

Audrey, Wait! by Robin Benway

I know this type of girl. She was a Teenie. The Teenies are the ones that always hang out by the tour buses after shows and scream, "I want to have your babies!" to the lead singers and only know the one popular song of the CD and totally humiliate the rest of us, who just want to say how much we love the music and how much it means to us. I hate those girls like I hate poison ivy and beets.

Hell is empty, all the devils are here. -William Shakespeare

On the darkest days you have to search for a spot of brightness, on the coldest days you have to seek out a spot of warmth; on the bleakest days you have to keep your eyes onward and upward and on the saddest days you have to leave them open to let them cry. To then let them dry. To give them a chance to wash out the pain in order to see fresh and clear once again.
Nothing in this life will ever make sense to me but I can't help but try to collect the change and hope it's enough to pay for our mistakes.

Tahereh Mafi, Unravel Me

Alert the media

I have OFFICIALLY been friendzoned

So this survey...

I understand that the school districts want to help their students and so they do these surveys to see how they can help.

But will they help?

It's times like this when I want to become a teacher. Not so I can teach children or something because, honestly, people agitate me. When they're in large groups like that. But just so I can understand the inner workings of the school districts. Because I want to know, do they really look at these surveys? And if they do, what actions are they taking to make sure that the negativity expressed in said survey is turned into positive responses? Does anyone know? And if so, can you let me know?

Will you join me?

It's not just me. We all have to come together to help people who just don't believe life is worth it anymore. We have to stand together. 1-800-273-8255 is the Youth Suicide Prevention hotline. We can do this.

Now,

What?
You've changed
It's different.
You don't look at me
You don't say things the way you used to
You aren't what I thought you were
You aren't who I thought you were
I understand
I don't understand
Everything is complicated
Simplicity is a distant memory
Nothing will ever be the same

So says the high school peanut gallery

The thing about strong opinions is that they're just so impossible. I'd like to have strong opinions. I really would. I'd also like a 4.1 GPA. One of which is more achievable than the other.
Because, see, mayhaps you're arguing with someone, and you really truly believe that what you're saying is right. And then the other person who is arguing with you creates a rebuttal that blows your argument completely out of the water. What then?
Two options: You continue on your merry way knowing(even as you speak) that you're wrong. Or you submit to the other person therefore declaring their superiority?

Your existence gives me hope

Okay so since I don't want to tell my best friend, I'll tell the blog. So there's this guy. And yes, I know crushing is against my law that I made for myself. But I honestly like who I am around him.
I cuss less, I'm funnier(I think), and is it not perfect that I have a thing for blue eyes and guess what color his are?
I don't want to screw this up because relationships are not my cup of tea but I never, ever want to stop being around him. To stop laughing, or playing charades, or card games, or watching him juggle and do magic tricks. Or talk about the Twilight Zone, or Sherlock, or Doctor Who, or why on earth babies look like potatoes when they're born. Or when I make a stupid comment in Biology, he'll look at me like I'm insane, and I laugh to myself but I swear a see a smile playing on his lips.
And if he reads this, I'll die. Not because I'm embarrassed, but because everything will change, and I don't want that.

And by "Okay" I mean,

I really have no fucking idea how I'm feeling. Stop asking.

Every thought is a battle. Every breath is a war.  I just don't think I'm winning anymore.

The voices in my head are trying to KILL ME

See. This is the hard part. Because it's not that everyone wants me to go. It's that I want to go. But that would be selfish. Trust me, I understand the irony. I don't need Prozac or a doctor or a therapist. I need to feel alive again. How the hell are MEDS going to make that happen?

Fang, Maximum Ride

The thing is, Maximum, I love you. I can't help but be focused on you when we're together. If you're in the room, I want to be next to you. If you're gone, I think about you. You're who I want to talk to. In a fight, I want you at my back. When we're together, the sun is shining. When we're apart, everything is in shades of gray.

Showbiz...?

Okay so... Anne Frank- The Diary of a Young Girl. She made millions, dead. I'm sorry, passed away. Why not sugarcoat it? I remember that English class. I was so mad. Why should a whole class suffer because some nimrod ragamuffins can't hold an attention span of longer than 5 minutes?
Okay, okay, okay. I say it all the time. I want to be an actress. I wonder, do you start with becoming an extra? Does that lead to commercials? Does that lead to movies? If I'm in a movie, I must be good enough to be in another one, right? Or a TV show?
In spite of everything, I really do believe people are good at heart.

Most of the dreams I remember are daydreams

Ya'know, it's funny. The drama that seemed to circle me. I don't know. Maybe it's because I'm not one of those people who step into love. I fall in. Big mistake on my part. A part of me just wants to stop. But to attempt that will be tough. I've already made too many promises I can't keep. I'm annoyed. Why does it even matter? I hate it when anyone calls me anything(pretty, cute, beautiful) but Ulys didn't stop. And I liked him, so whatever. However, my ex will many times a day erk me. I'm not attractive. At all. Which, have you noticed, it's the girls like Mra and Jennifer who are cute and always so happy and aloof and energetic that get the guys? Have you also realized, that people such as me don't? Because it's very easy for anyone, especially guys to erk me?

I'm done chasing after you

My heart has been broken
My heart has been stomped on
My heart has been ripped out
And thrown on the floor
I tried to fight it, keep a distance
But everything about you pulls me closer
I don't tell anyone, it's a secret
I spent a year watching you from afar
Pretend you didn't notice
How could you have not known?
It's your turn to demolish my heart
I've tried, and I'm done
The battle is over and you've won
You don't want me, yeah, I get it

Dear Brandon (R rated language)

You are such a bitch. I really hope you die in hell. Like, burn. Really bad. Just fucking DIE. Next time I see you I will do anything I can to cause you pain. I HAVE AN EXTREME DISLIKE FOR YOU

Dear Quincy,

Hey man. You should've gone to Parkview. Cause every time you invite me somewhere with you and Becca, I have other stuff to do. And that sucks because

1. I want to meet Becca
2. I MISS YOU, YOU STUPID MAILBOX FLAG!!!

I saw you at the fair and that was fun but it still sucks. Central sucks. You suck.

Max and Keke

When I first say you didn't know what to think
But something about you was so interesting
I can see me and you being best friends
The kind of friends that finish each others sentences
When I can't think of the right words to say, I just sing
Oh, ooh oh ooh woah ah oh
Oh, ooh oh ooh woah ah oh
C'mon and harmonize with my melody
And we'll sing oh, ooh oh ooh woah ah oh
Ain't it a perfect harmony?

Complicated

Chill out, whatcha yelling for? Lay back, it's all been done before
And if you could only let it be, then you would see
I like you the way you are when we're driving in your car
And you're talking to me one on one,
But you've become

Somebody else around everyone else
Watching your back, like you can't relax
You're trying to be cool but you look like a fool to me
Tell me
Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else gets me frustrated
Life's like this you, you fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get and your turn it into
Honestly and promise me I'm never gonna find you fake it no no no

You come over unannounced dressed up like you're something else
Where you are and where it's that you see you're making me
Laugh out when you strike a pose, take off all your preppy clothes
You know you're not fooling anyone when you've become

Somebody else around everyone else
Watching your back like you can't relax
You're trying to be cool well you look like a fool to me
Tell me
Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're acting like your somebody else gets me frustrated
Life's like this you, you fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get and your turn it into
Honestly and promise me I'm never gonna find you fake it no no no

Dear Josh,

Okay dude. Straight truth. Remember last year in Ms. BF's class? All it took was for you to understand my POV essay and my mean-yet-very clever joke, and I was hooked. Do you know how many times I would try to erase you from my memory? Just to have you pop back in again once I saw you in the hall? How many blog posts written in your honor? Obsessive isn't the word. But I can't talk to you, and you can't talk to me either, or you just don't want to. It sucks. Everything about you and I last year sucked. Because there was no you and I. But I'm done. It's over. As if it ever started.

Dear Greyson,

It honestly pains me to say this, but I don't think I want to be your friend. Let alone your best friend. Thing is, sometimes I find myself saying things I don't really mean. Stuff like "I hate you" or "God, I hate them" a lot of the stuff involves the word hate. And threats like, "I'll cut you" I never spend a lot of time with people unless i know they can take it. And the thing is, I don't think you can take it. Like one time, I was texting Quince when I was half asleep and I told him I LOVED HIM. Needless to say, it was awkward. We never spoke of it again. He's my buddy and my best guy friend. So of course I love him. In the friend way. But if I said that to you, I'm afraid you'd take it to heart. So sorry, but I can't trust myself, so I can't trust you. You don't have what it takes to be a best friend to me.

Dear Ulys,

You're the first person who broke my heart. For the rest of my life, you will always be the one who hurt me the most.
Remember that.

Dear Kiearra,

Ummm... so yeah I miss you. I miss you a lot. You were a really good friend and I don't understand how you could just throw that away. Those months we didn't talk were hell and that night was the worst of my life. It feels like years since I last talked to you. A lot has happened and I want to tell you everything, and I want to hear about your life too, what has changed since we were friends. But what hurts the most is that you've moved on and you're totally fine and happy and me on the other hand... well whatever I just wanted to you know I miss you so damn much!