I haven't felt anything but desperation in weeks

I'm sick of navigating this pointless drama and not having the courage to say what I think and I'm sick of feeling nothing and empty and angry and suicidal and homicidal all at the same time, I'm sick of being confused and desperate, I'm sick of everyone pretending to be something that they're not when we're all just scared little kids and no one wants to admit it.
I'm really tired of pretending to care when I know I just need all these social interactions because without them I'd feel more alone than I already do which would be quite a feat because I've already carved the words into my skin more than I can count because that's the only way I can try to feel like I understand what I'm thinking.
And I keep thinking that if I hold out there's going to be someone or something that makes me feel alive again and I'm looking and it never happens, it's just empty after empty after empty. It's just one big dissapointment after another.
The real world is, either grow up or die trying I've tried about as hard as I can and I'm real close to being done

It astounds me that

People can drive without the urge to drive the car into a tree?
Or can hold a knife without imagining hurting themselves with it??
Or stand on a cliff and not imagine jumping off????
How???????

Watsky- Kidnap Your Boyfriend

I was just thinking that I really like you
And I was just thinking I really like you
And I was just thinking if I kidnap your boyfriend
Could I be your boyfriend?

I've gotta time it right, I've gotta plan it through
You're a stick of dynamite, hope that I can handle you
You're a while new animal they couldn't hold a candle to
So I demand a candid answer, what's a man to do?
Could pay a camera crew
Get an editor set up in his kitchen with the video and kid and put his ass on Catch A Predator
Call his creditor
Tell em he's in heavy debt and with fed on red alert
I plant a care package, a bear trap with the teeth padded
And when he grabs it, then I beat it like Br'er Rabbit
Or I could lock him in the liquor cabinet
Drinking, thinking, sad until he kicks the habit
And if he gets lovey dovey
I'll take a kindergarten keep him in the cubby
When we leave for winter break and someone gets the pet I'm gonna pawn him off on little
Betty like he was a guppy

I was just thinking that I really like you
And I was just thinking I really like you
And I was just thinking if I kidnap your boyfriend
Could I be your boyfriend?

It's a minute to midnight and
That's my cue to pull him in my big white van
Beckon him with my charisma
Chucking snickers at him like it's his Bar mitzvah
And if someone heard that racket
Better bet I'm gonna bag him in a burlap sack
Your dude's whack, he lacks the X Factor
Bookmark boy, I can be the next chapter
What do I do for the women who tell me they want me?
That when I got over the one who steadily haunts me
If I get over the one then I'll be ready to party
Then I'll be ready for Blondie, on me get up and calmly walk away
It's pretty pathetic, I get it, but not today
You wanted to play, you want me to act tough?
Spend every dime, but I won't go bankrupt
I said to be easy, could you please back up
All these Jenga beezies they just don't stack up

I was just thinking that I really like you
And I was just thinking I really like you
And I was just thinking if I kidnap your boyfriend
Could I be your boyfriend?

But if I'm too blunt, I can mask it
If time's a blunt, I can pass it
I'd rather pass with to the passenger
Shotgun the messenger, call off the massacre
Your dude is cool, I wish I didn't have to mess with him
To tell the truth, I want the very second best for him
I'm positive I'm not pessimist, I'm not jumping
I'm just pissing off the precipice
If I deafen to the definition and I never gotcha
God, I betcha I'll be better cause I metcha but be I'm missing always waiting for the day you'll be available
You keep on stating who you're dating ain't debatable
But baby, maybe we could pick up when this shit ends
My sixth sense says we're clicking like we're Bic pens
I don't wanna read the writing on the wall if it's only gonna end like Annie Hall

5 Seconds of Summer- Voodoo Doll

I don't even like you
Why'd you want to go and make me feel this way?
And I don't understand what's happened
I keep saying things I never say

I can feel you watching even when you're nowhere to be seen
I can feel you touching even when you're far away from me

Tell me where you hide your voodoo doll 'cause I can't control myself
I don't want to stay, I wanna run away but I'm trapped under your spell
And it hurts in my head and my heart and my chest
And I'm having trouble catching my breath

Ooh, won't you please stop loving me to death?

I don't even see my friends any more
'Cause I keep hanging out with you
I don't know how you kept me up all night
Or how I got this tattoo

I can feel you watching even when you're nowhere to be seen
I can feel you touching even when you're far away from me

Tell me where you hide your voodoo doll 'cause I can't control myself
I don't want to stay, I wanna run away but I'm trapped under your spell
And it hurts in my head and my heart and my chest
And I'm having trouble catching my breath

Ooh, won't you please stop loving me to death?

Every time you're near me
Suddenly my heart begins to race
Every time I leave
I don't know why my heart begins to break

Tell me where you hide your voodoo doll 'cause I can't control myself
I don't want to stay, I wanna run away but I'm trapped under your spell
And it hurts in my head and my heart and my chest
And I'm having trouble holding my breath

Ooh, won't you please stop loving me to death?

My day

I don't think I've ever been this angry and sad at the same time before. It's almost all I can do not to break down into shudders and screams and I really want to punch the wall so hard I can feel the bones in my hand break, a little because I want an actual reason for feeling this way but mostly because I've never gone this long without the relief that comes with the sensation of pain.

Secondhand Serenade- Awake

With every appearance by you
Blinding my eyes
I can hardly remember the last time I felt like I do
You're an angel disguised

And you're lying real still
But your heart beat is fast just like mine
And the movie's long over
That's three that have passed, one more's fine

Will you stay awake for me?
I don't want to miss anything
I don't want to miss anything
I will share the air I breathe
I'll give you my heart on a string
I just don't wanna miss anything

I'm trying real hard not to shake
I'm biting my tongue
But I'm feeling alive and with every breath that I take
I feel like I've won, you're my key to survival

And if it's a hero you want
I can save you, just stay here
Your whispers are priceless
You're breath, it is dear, so please stay near

Will you stay awake for me?
I don't wanna miss anything
I don't wanna miss anything
I will share the air I breathe
I'll give you my heart on a string
I just don't wanna miss anything

Say my name, I just want to hear you
Say my name, so I know it's true
You're changing me, you're changing me
You showed me how to live
So just say, so just say

That you'll stay awake for me
I don't wanna miss anything
I don't wanna miss anything
I will share the air I breathe
I'll give you my heart on a string
I just don't wanna miss anything

My mother used to say

Love should be

Simple, like

Wind and rivers,

But I wanted the

Storms and

Wildfires that filled

Book pages. You

Told me that each

Article of clothing

You wore held a

Certain meaning

And ate pistachio

Ice cream ironically. We

Were never simple

And despite what I thought

We were never ever

In love, just in

Trouble

-r.i.d.