I haven't felt anything but desperation in weeks

I'm sick of navigating this pointless drama and not having the courage to say what I think and I'm sick of feeling nothing and empty and angry and suicidal and homicidal all at the same time, I'm sick of being confused and desperate, I'm sick of everyone pretending to be something that they're not when we're all just scared little kids and no one wants to admit it.
I'm really tired of pretending to care when I know I just need all these social interactions because without them I'd feel more alone than I already do which would be quite a feat because I've already carved the words into my skin more than I can count because that's the only way I can try to feel like I understand what I'm thinking.
And I keep thinking that if I hold out there's going to be someone or something that makes me feel alive again and I'm looking and it never happens, it's just empty after empty after empty. It's just one big dissapointment after another.
The real world is, either grow up or die trying I've tried about as hard as I can and I'm real close to being done

It astounds me that

People can drive without the urge to drive the car into a tree?
Or can hold a knife without imagining hurting themselves with it??
Or stand on a cliff and not imagine jumping off????
How???????