Came back with a vengance

Everything hurts
My heart
My chest
My breath
How do I tell them I don't know
Why I shut in
Can't open up
I don't even want to live
And I'm supposed to work to be happy
But it's hard
And I'm scared
I can't remember the last time
I didn't want to cry
And I'm just holding on
To things I romanticize
And if I'm going to destroy myself
Then, by god, the razor can do it first

And you
It hurts to say this
But please stay away
You're going to make me break
Again
Why did you do this
It was never a game to me
And I'm not mad
And I want to be your friend
I think
But I don't know what I want anymore
And I think it's your fault

But it's mine
I know that
I still want to drive away
And hope to look back
With someone close behind

Coldplay- The Scientist

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh, take me back to the start

Oh, I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh, and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start

Can't even think of a title for this

I want to breathe

Cause I haven’t done that in a while

And it’s all building up

Inside of me

I want to leave

But I can’t though

Cause I know

There’s no road

That leads to anywhere I want to go

You can blame what you want

But I still don’t know what’s real

And what’s not

Blame it on that I suppose

Whatever makes you feel at home

Cause that’s what it’s all about

Never mind being shut out

Justify how you wish

What you wish whenever you wish it

I wish I could wish too

But my time is long overdue

I think it ran out when I saw the tube

Down your throat covered in blood

And the other one that stole your dignity away

The one time I remember I didn’t pray

Cause I couldn’t think of anything to say

That feeling has stayed

Before and after you passed away

And I’m so afraid

And I can’t explain

To anyone but ink and paper

I guess it feels safer

But it also feels lonlier

Sara Bareilles- Gravity

Something always brings me back to you, it never takes too long
No matter what I say or do, I'll still feel you here until the moment I'm gone
You hold me without touch, you keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

Set me free, leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

Oh, you loved me cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone

Set me free, leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need here on the ground
But you're neither friend not foe, though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

You're keeping me down, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
You're on to me, on to me, and all over
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long

Michael Buble- Feeling Good

Birds flying high, you know how I feel
Sun in the sky, you know how I feel
Breeze drifting on by, you know I feel
It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me
And I'm feeling good, I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea, you know how I feel
River running free, you know how I feel
Blossom on a tree, you know how I feel
It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me
And I'm feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun, you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all having fun, you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when the day is done, that's what I mean
And this old world is a new world, and a bold world, for me
For me

Stars when you shine, you know how I feel
Scent of the pine, you know how I feel
Oh, freedom is mine, you know how I feel
It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life
It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life
It's a new life for me
And I'm feeling good

I'm feeling good
I feel so good
I feel so good

Michael Buble- Haven't Met You Yet

I'm not surprised, not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up then I let myself down

I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought I thought of every possibility

And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid, that'll I'll give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing
And baby, your love is going to change me
And now I can see every possibility

Somehow I know that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And promise you kid, I'll give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

They say all's fair in love and war
But I won't need to fight it
We'll get it right and we'll be united

And I know that we can be so amazing
And being in your life is going to change me
And now I can see every single possibility

And someday I know that it'll all turn out
And I'll work to work it out
Promise you kid, I'll give more than I get, than I get, than I get

Oh, you know it'll all turn out
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And promise you, kid, to give so much more than I get, yeah
I just haven't met you yet

I just haven't met you yet
Oh, promise you, kid, to give so much more than I get
I said love love love love love love love
I just haven't met you yet
Yeah, I just haven't met you yet

Dream I Had Last Night #3

We were dancing, his lead, across a dark floor illuminated by a single light. He was busy with the movements, making sure we stepped to the beat. I was busy with the words, memorizing the song I already knew by heart. He whispered in my ear,
"This may be the last song we ever hear. I can't remember the last time I heard music that wasn't from the tinker's old ukulele that's missing two strings."
I laughed, and he spun me, then pulled me back into his arms.
'This isn't real.' I mouthed to him, suddenly aware.
"I know. But what would it be like if it was."
'It can't ever be.'
He fell to the floor, hitting his head on the table nearby.
"Holy crap, are you okay?" I rushed to his side, feeling his head for forming bumps.
"You're not mute." He said, not a question.
"No, I suppose I never really was. I wished I was though."
"Sometimes you need to talk."
"Sometimes I feel like I have nothing worth saying."
"Most people don't, but they talk anyway."
"I don't like most people. I liked you."
"You like your brother. I see you with him, on your wall. The friends who made you want to talk."
"I left them."
"Why."
"I felt like I'd find others who have never seen me fail."
"No one is ever going to be oblivious to your failure."
"I was oblivious to yours. You fail to be real."
"You fail to let me be."

Dream I Had Last Night #2

"Just go talk to her, Christ, it's not that hard." That girl with the long dark hair whisper-shouted to the boy, maybe thinking I couldn't hear them "You guys have been hanging out for weeks, why are you still afraid to say hi?'
I liked her, she was upfront, honest, the few times I've met her. Loud spoken, maybe a bit too much, but a welcome change from the soft spoken and scared few that were the backbone of the revolution, those I worked with. I suppose she has known the boy for a long time, I would assume they were something special together if I wasn't the one who fashioned the lights for her altar at her wedding a few months ago.That's how it is down here, married young to get the experience of love without ever breeding, it'd be cruel to bring a child into this world. And besides, no one needs a parasite in their womb when they're discussing battle plans at all hours of the night.
"Okay, okay, just shut up and come with me." He whispered back, speed-walking over to me while never breaking eye contact with the floor, the girl attached to his arm. I stared intently at the circuit board in my hands and picked up my tweezers to connect another wire, pretending I didn't notice them fast approaching.
"Hi!" The girl shoved the boy into the chair across from mine and took a half seat on the table, tilting it. I nodded my head at her and smiled at the boy. He was looking at the table, occasionally taking a break to look at the girl for courage then shifting his gaze to me. The girl looked at him expectantly, then looked at me. I directed my attention back to my work, obvious as it was that nothing real was going to be said anytime soon. Before I finished with the circuit, the girl blurted,
"Well! I have to go out to the greenhouse for rosemary, I have the voucher for it right here. Oh, gosh and darn it, look at the time. I have to go see the hubby about our rank. I know, you can go get it for me, and take girly with you, or else you'll get lost. You don't mind going, do you?"
She touched me shoulder and gave me a huge smile. I shook my head no and signed,
'I'd be happy to.'
"I knew I liked you. Alrighty, you guys better get a move on." She stood and pulled the boy to his feet. He held out his arm for me to take, which I did and we began to walk to the greenhouse as the girl skipped away, laughing to herself.
"So, um..." He started to talk, turning to me to make sure I could read his lips "Have you ever been to the greenhouse?"
'Yes, all the colors and scents of the plants is quite the ambush of the senses. I enjoy it.'
"Me too."
We turned the corner and the greenhouse doors were in view at the end of the hallway.
'How did you end up becoming a doctor?'
"I apprenticed at a young age, bit of a prodigy I suppose. Never found a better use of my talent than the opportunity to join a revolution."
'I couldn't agree more.'
"Says the young electrician."
'My father taught me. Never had a knack for it, but I like the work and you can do whatever you want if you work hard enough. Leaving the States was the best decision I ever made.'
"America? You don't seem like an American to me."
'Yes, well, you can't hear the accent.'

"That's true."
'I have to go finish my circuit board.' I signed, letting go of his arm and backed away a few steps 'I'll see you later.'
"What about the rosemary?" He asked/signed, disappointment clouding his features.
'There will be other times for rosemary.'

Book Of Life- I Love You Too Much

I love you too much to live without you loving me back
I love you too much, Heaven's my witness and this is a fact
I know I belong when I sing this song
There's love above love and it's ours cause I love you too much

I live for your touch, I whisper your name night after night
I love you too much, there's only one feeling and I know it's right
I know I belong when I sing this song
There's love above love and it's ours cause I love you too much

Heaven knows your name, I've been praying
To have you come here by my side
Without you, a part of me is missing
To make you my home I will fight

I know I belong when I sing this song
There's love above love and it's ours cause I love you too much

I love you too much, I love you too much
Heaven's my witness and this is a fact
You live in my soul, your heart is my goal

There's love above love and it's mine cause I love you
There's love above love and it's yours cause I love you
There's love above love and it's ours if you love me
As much

Us The Duo- No Matter Where You Are

I will stay by you, even when we fall
I will be the rock that holds you up and lifts you high so you stand tall
I won't let you go, no one can take your place
A couple fights and lonely nights don't make it right to let it go to waste

I won't let you fall, I won't let you go
No matter where you are, no matter where you are I'll be there
No matter where you are, no matter where you are
I'll be there

I will hold on to everything we've got
A quitter, a regretter, and forgetter is everything I'm not
I'll take care of you, and love you just because
You and I are better than forever, nothing can stop us

I won't let you fall, I won't let you go
No matter where you are, no matter where you are I'll be there
No matter where you are, no matter where you are
I'll be there

We can be the generation who learns how to love
Mistakes and empty promises will never be enough
To tear apart the giants hearts that beat inside us now
Let's conquer the percentages and rise above the crowd

I won't let you fall, I eon't let you go
No matter where you are, no matter where you are I'll be there
No matter where you are, no matter where you are I'll be there
No matter where you are, no matter where you are I'll be there

I'll be there
I'll be there!

Dream I Had Last Night #1

He lifted my chin with the rifle of his gun and looked me in the eyes. "And how old are you anyway? Too damn young to be in a revolution. But not that young, huh?" He licked his lips and chuckled "So how old are you?' I kept my stare and narrowed my eyes. After a few seconds of silence he lost patience and pointed the gun at my chest. "Think it's funny to edge a guy on? Leaning up against this wall making your cow eyes while I walk around the room but you little girls never want to put out. You and your little friends are all going to hell and I'll be happy to send you there." I looked to the side. "Little bitch."
The man adjusted his cap and walked back to his troop. They left quickly, and the disgusting one took one last glance at me before walking out the door and closing it behind him. I let go of the breath I was holding in a loud exhale. I watched the door in case it swung open again to let in another group of sleazebags. My gaze dropped to the nearest table, where the boy sitting at it caught my eye.
He smiled at me and I looked away, when I looked back he was watching me out of the corner of his eye. He was good looking enough, with kind eyes and short, curly black hair. I relaxed against the wall with my arms crossed and he got up to talk to me.
"You okay? Those guys are not to be messed with." He tilted his head. I looked at him, confused. I shrugged and shook my head.
"It seems like I've seen you around more than other people. You a doctor too?"
I shook my head again, and held my hand out, palm up, and made a screwdriver motion with my other one.
"Not a doctor. Not a speaker, either?'
'Mute' I signed.
'Why didn't you say so' He signed back. "Learned sign language when I was little."
'So did I' He laughed 'I'm an electrician.'
"I thought only engineers with degrees were allowed to be electricians. You look barely seventeen."
'Says the- what- twenty year old doctor?'
"Eighteen"
'I was close.'
"Yes, close enough,"
"Back to work everybody! Inspection over!" The grungy overseer shouted over the lounge room.
"I guess I'll see you later."
I shrugged and walked back to my station. When I looked back over my shoulder, he was still by the wall, watching me with a small smile.
**

Pulled- The Addams Family Musical

I don't have a sunny disposition, I'm not known for being too amused
My demeanor's locked in one position, see my face? I'm enthused
Suddenly, however, I've been puzzled, bunny rabbits make me want to cry
All my inhibitions have been muzzled, and I think I know why

I'm being pulled in a new direction
But I think I like it, I think I like it
I'm being pulled in a new direction
Through my painful pursuit, somehow birdies took root
All the things I detested impossibly cute
God! What do I do?

Mother always said be kind to strangers
But she doesn't know what they destroy
I can feel the clear and present dangers
When she learns that the boy

Has got me pulled in a new direction
But I think I like it, I think I like it
I'm being pulled in a new direction
But this feeling, I know, is impossible
So I'll confide that I've tried but I can't let it go
It's disgustingly true
Pulled, pulled, pulled!

Puppy dogs with droopy faces, unicorns with dancing mice
Sunrise in wide open spaces, Disney World- I'll go there twice!
Butterflies and picnic lunches, bunches of chrysanthemums
Lollipops and pillow fights and Christmas eve, sugar plums!
String quartets and Chia pets and afternoon banana splits
Angels watching as I sleep and Liberace's Greatest Hits

Have got me pulled in a new direction
If they keep insisting, I'll stop resisting
Just watch me pulled in a new direction
I should stay in the dark, not obey every spark
But the boy has a bite, better far than his bark
And you bet I'll bite too, do what's truly taboo
As I'm pulled in a new direction

No Longer Interested

There's a lot of stuff in life you have to look at and go
God, not interested, so not interested
Manipulating me, using me, neglecting and abusing me
Not interested, so not interested

Treat me like trash and throw me away
God, not interested, so not interested
Make up a dumb little game and think I want to play
Not interested, so not interested

Make no mistake I enjoy a lot of things
But cross a line I won't deny those things become mundane
I can live without them and I can live without you
I'm finding myself happier in the absence of a crew

I'm sick of all these stupid emotions I'm supposed to feel
I'm a Wednesday at the core, any other character is a bore
I'm so fucking sick of all this shit
Once I can leave, I'm fucking gone, fucking done, that's fucking it

I have about five more plans I have to carry out
But after that, I'm leaving, that's all I care about

Bleah

I'm too stressed about grades to be stressed about anything else.
I long for the day when I can go chill at Hendrix and have a drink without an issue. I can wait a month.
I don't feel like I'm going to be happy alive so why am I bothering.
It's not even like, talk me out of it, it's like, this is what I want and I'm coming to terms with it.
Why was it ever considered bad in the first place.
I'm just trying to be happy.

I don't feel good

My friend kept telling me he was going to kill himself or hurt himself if I didn't talk him out of it. So I said he needed to stop and get professional help. And it's been manipulative and God, I can't do this anymore. So on Monday we have to have a conference. I know his parents. They like me. They make me feel super awkward, granted, but God, I can't. I can't, I can't. Okay. I just. I feel bad but I kind of feel like this is necessary. If he reaches out to me over the weekend I'll know I did the right thing because I told him not to text me.

Try #3 for Closure

I remember the days, when it felt like just you and me

And when all that I wanted was your company

I remember the day we fell asleep on that couch

The best sleep I’d had in a long time, even you slept somehow

It’s funny, don’t you think, how we got here

Just one night of discontent, now thousands of tears

I think, no, I know, I’ve grown stronger now

Strong enough to resist you though, I doubt

But I can live off these memories, what great wonders they do me

Happy as can be, sadder than I could ever be in centuries

I feel I have to fight to retain emotions each night

But in the day, it goes away, when I see your face

I remember that night, do you remember it too?

The day I put down the blade, cause it meant losing you

God, I pray you’re happy now, and happy you’ll always be

Even if it’s not with me

Even if you’re not with me

The Little Mermaid- Kiss the Girl

There you see her, sitting there across the way
She don't got a lot to say but there's something about her
And you don't know why, but you're dying to try
You wanna kiss the girl

Yes, you want her, look at her, you know you do
It's possible she wants you too, there is one way to ask her
It don't take a word, not a single word
Go on and kiss the girl

Sing with me now, sha-la-la-la-la
My, oh my, look at the boy too shy
He ain't gonna kiss the girl
Sha-la-la-la-la, ain't that sad
Ain't it a shame, too bad
You gonna miss the girl

Now's your moment, floating in a blue lagoon
Boy, you better do it soon, no time will be better
She don't say a word, and she won't say a word
Until you kiss the girl!

Sha-la-la-la-la don't be scared
You got the moves prepared
Go on and kiss the girl!
Sha-la-la-la-la don't stop now
Don't try to hide it how
You wanna kiss the girl

Sha-la-la-la-la float along
Listen to the song
The song say, kiss the girl
Sha-la-la-la-la music play
Do what the music say
You wanna kiss the girl

You've got to kiss the girl
Why don't you kiss the girl
You gotta kiss the girl
Go on and kiss the girl

Hey Guys,

Just finishing my projects and such and I don't know...
Everyone has picked someone up when they can barely hold themselves before and it's really impressive. I admire it a lot.
I kind of want to pull a Margo Roth Spiegelman and just disappear. I've reached a point where I'm really content by myself and when I'm interested in talking with others I prefer fun strangers rather than people I already know. I guess I'm ready for college. When I get my car I feel like I'm really going to be antisocial. I won't need other people for rides and I think I'll just be done. Drive by the lake alone and take a nap in my car. Maybe throw my phone into the lake.

Makes me happy

I'm kind of starting to feel desirable again...

Adele- Cold Shoulder

You say it's all in my head
And the things I say just don't make sense
So where you been? Don't go all coy
Don't turn it around on me like it's my fault
See, I can see that look in your eyes
The one that shoots me each and every time

You grace me with your cold shoulder
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her
You shower me with words make of knives
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her

These days when I see you
You make it look like I'm see-through
Do tell me why you waste our time
When your heart ain't admitting you're not satisfied
You know I know just how you feel
I'm starting to find myself feeling that way too

When you grace me with your cold shoulder
Whenever you look at me I was her
You shower me with words make of knives
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her

Time and time again I play the role of a fool just for you
Even in the daylight when you think that I don't see you
Try to look for things I hear but our eyes never find
Though I do know how you play

You grace me with your cold shoulder
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her
You shower me with words made of knives
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her

You grace me with your cold shoulder
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her
You shower me with words made of knives
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her

Chicago the Musical- All That Jazz

Come on, babe why don't we paint the town
And all that jazz
I'm gonna rouge my knees and roll my stockings down
And all that jazz

Start the car, I know a whoopee spot
Where the gin is cold but the piano's hot!
It's just a noisy hall where there's a nightly brawl
And all that jazz

And all that jazz, and all that jazz

Slick your hair and wear your buckle shoes
And all that jazz
I hear that Father Dip is gonna blow the blues
And all that jazz

Hold on, hon, we're gonna bunny hug
I bought some aspirin down at United Drug
In case you shake apart and want a brand new start
To do that jazz!

Find a flask we're playing fast and loose
And all that jazz
Right up here is where I store the juice
And all that jazz

Come on babe, we're gonna brush the sky
I betcha Lucky Lindy never flew so high
Cause in the stratosphere how could he lend an ear
To all that jazz?

Oh you're gonna see your Sheba shimmy shake
And all that jazz
Oh, she's gonna shimmy till her garters break
And all that jazz

Show her where to park her girdle
Oh, her mother's blood would curdle
If she'd hear her baby queer
For all that jazz

All that jazz

Come on, babe, why don't we paint the town?
And all that jazz
I'm gonna rouge my knees and roll my stockings down
And all that jazz

Start the car, I know a whoopee spot
Where the gin is cold but the piano's hot!
It's just a noisy hall where there's a nightly brawl
And all that jazz

No, I'm no one's wife
But, oh, I love my life
And all that jazz
That jazz!!