So I'm reading my previous posts...

And yes, going back to youth group did get rid of some of my suicidal thoughts for the time being. But they've come rushing back. I don't think this whole Christian thing is working. It's so confusing. I don't know what to do. When I read the Forever Reign lyrics, it's calming. But then I start to think of why it's not calming. Because it's an amazing song. And I used to love having someone, a.k.a. God, to lean on when something knocked me down. But I don't just want to worship something to lean on. Do you get me? I'm disrespecting him, myself, and everyone who does honestly worship him if I say that I worship him when I only think of him as a backup plan.